thoughts on being a butterfly (musings of little flower)
Contemplations on being a strange sensitive human in a big world; pondering my inner self, my inner child, my wise divine self, my wholeness, unfolding my wings and finding my place in the universe.
*most images were found online and are not mine. I do not claim ownership of them
I've always thought that if I loved other people well, they would love me back, and we would all be happy and loved. I'm learning to love myself, show up for me, and be reliable and trustworthy with myself. It's been a challenge but it feels better than wishing others would love me better. And then not really believing it was real anyway, if they did show up and try to love me.
What if I showed up for myself the way I wished others would show up for me? What if I believed I was deserving of that kind of deep, unconditional, unwavering love? What if I invested the time and attention into making myself feel loved, safe, cared for, as I would for someone else?
I just went for a walk.I know it’s dark out.I needed
fresh air. So I tucked my keys in my fist... (all females are nodding right
now, they know this maneuver) and walked anyway.My gramma taught me that.She told me to be alert, look around, check
the backseat of my car before I get in it, keep my car doors locked when I was
in the car... She told me not to accept drinks from strangers, or to ever leave my drink unattended.(Thus I have never
allowed someone to buy me a drink)
She warned me about strangers, that men are dangerous, and
that only bad girls get raped (and unspoken implication- molested) She taught me this when Boise was still a safe
small rural town, when the mall was a cow field, when we had just a handful of
It made me kind of paranoid honestly, always wondering what
predators could be lurking in the dark hall in the mall at night, or walking
across campus, or getting the mail after dark, or carrying groceries at night.
Know what she didn’t warn me about?The men who aren’t strangers.She didn’t warn me about drunk step
dads.Or the boy in college who would trick
me, lure me down the hall to show me something, push me into a dark room and force
me up against a wall, groping and kissing me.Or bosses who would give more sales to the girls who showed cleavage.Or give raises to girls that would make out or
sleep with them. She didn’t warn me
about how to navigate an abusive partner.I don’t often sleep with keys in my fist...Never even considered that.
It could have been much much worse than it was. I never told her anything.Even though I trusted her, and as a woman,
she might have understood.I didn’t want
her to think I was a bad girl, or that I hadn’t been alert enough, or that I
was naive and gullible.
I don’t own a tv, but I know enough of what’s going on in
the world.This isn’t just about men
harming women, and women being afraid to speak, then getting judged when the
speak.The whole paradigm needs to
shift.Men AND women need to feel safe
from attack.Men AND women need to feel
safe speaking out if they are violated.
I’m sad all this is stirred up, not just for me, but for
many.The old ways need to be done.I’m grateful people are talking, getting
fired up, having conversations.This is
how we will speak our truth, hear each other, and figure out better ways to be
Come with me to the forest. The forest is thick, lush, green. The sun dapples through the leaves, breeze rustles the branches. We lean our backs against a tree, sitting on soft grass. We see mushrooms growing, wildflowers, dragonflies, butterflies around us. There is a stream flowing close by, the water meanders and we can hear it trickling. Upstream is a waterfall, we can hear it's crash in the distance.
The ground is warm, loamy, alive, vibrant. It begins to rain lightly. Rain drops plop on our skin, hair, face, bodies. The rain trickles off our skin and into our skin, and through our bodies, inside. The rain becomes a stream inside us, flowing through our veins, refreshing warm water washing away old memories, emotions, wounds, until we are pure. Our skin is translucent, we are just streams of flowing water over rocks and pebbles.
The rain lessens and stops, our skin is warm and drying in the sun. Sunlight fills our bodies until the sun is inside our bellies, glowing out of us from the inside. Hot sunlight flickers and radiates inside, it feels good and we laugh. The flames tickle and burn away what our bodies no longer need, illness, pain, aging... until we are pure light, and only ashes remain of the old pains.
A breeze picks up and blows through, through our hair, our skin, through our bodies. It blows the ashes away until we are clean and pure and new again.
We feel free, and marvel at our skin in the sun. We wiggle our toes in the dirt. It feels so good, we stretch our toes deeper into the soil until little vines and tree roots grow out between our toes, our toes become roots. The vines lace around our toes and feet, it feels so alive and tingly. Our roots reach deeper, stronger, and stretch deep down to the nutrients in the soil, deep until we can feel the heartbeat pulse of earth. Ah yes, the heartbeat of Gaia, and our heartbeat matches the thrum pulse, we are one with the earth, with the sun, with each other. We become trees too, in the forest.
Sunlight filters through our leafy hair, our branches are strong and fluid, graceful, flowing. We are alive, pulsing with aliveness. Grass grows over our toes, moss creeps up between the bark, butterflies and birds flicker and twitter in our leafy branch hair. We are one. This space is home, it always exists, waiting for us to return.
Now we are leaning against the tree again. We touch the ground with our fingers and feel the heartbeat still, and feel it in the trees around us. We are nourished and connected.
click below for my live recorded tree forest meditation:
I received Reiki from a friend this week. I was moved to tears by his Reiki. It was exactly what I wish for, gentle, safe, and powerful. He is doing more than just Reiki for sure, and it's so much like my Reiki, it felt like home. His touch is like starlight? It's hard to explain in words, so I found pics.
He took me/allowed me to journey to the same places as when I do holotropic breathwork and spirit journeying. The places that are expansive, more than myself, where everything is inside out, and stars are cells and my body is made of galaxies and nebulas. I've never before experienced that everything-ness during touch and definitely not with other people. So in a way it gave me hope that I'm not the only one here like that, a lonely one on the planet. There was so much light coming in, it felt like my body could open and breathe. Out of body, openness that I don't often feel with my body, especially with touch. I usually feel heavy, dense, contracted, and honestly, lonesome here as a human...
When he put his hands on my heart, these are the colors/feelings/sense of home, wherever the heck that is. When I do Reiki on others, this is where the energy seems to come from too.
At one point I was floating above lots of trees with leaves gently rustling. So many trees, I was floating through the leaves.
Then I was far away again. Stars and electric light connections coming through his hands.
And the connections turned red, which felt like heart warmth or life connection, not just stars
I've always known I'm not from here (nobody is really, most are just checked out, they don't even realize. I'm definitely a star child. Without sounding cliche or creepy, it was like my body lit up with his Reiki, like he was making love to my energy (not sexually)
Vulnerable thoughts today. I’m on vacation, traveling with a friend,
staying with her family. It has been challenging because they are all
extroverted and want to spend a lot of time together. They are uncomfortable
with how laid back and quiet S and I are. We don’t expect to be entertained or
doted on, we enjoy quiet time. In addition, I just went through a traumatic experience, relationship suddenly ended, and I moved just a few days ago, so I am in shock, feeling out of place in general.
They asked what traveling with my family was like, what
family time was like for me.
I never had that. Family.
While I had many people who cared and looked after me, I never really
had home, family, closeness, belonging.
This is a deep wounding for me- triggers. I have never
really had family or home or felt like I belonged.
I feel like both an orphan and a child of the universe.
Free, a little bit wild, independent, and an outsider looking in. Observing and finding moments to enjoy and
meaning, and also quiet grieving... while learning to feel at home in my own
I am your friend. In cosmetology school, the instructors said, "You run a business. This is about business and money. Do not become friends with your clients, it's unprofessional." Well then. Guess I won't be "professional" because it's not just about the money for me. I don't want strangers in my chair. I want people I would consider friends. To build trust and rapport, to share and work and grow together.
These are my clients...
I know what lights you up, what makes you smile. I know what you love about your partner and hate about your job. I probably know your personality type. I know your kid's names, your pets names, and your favorite music, whether you like tea or coffee or wine when you come in, and whether or not you've skipped lunch, working hard at your desk and checking in with your kids at home. (and I have snacks for you).
I am the first person to cut your children's hair. I meet them before they are even born. I pause doing your hair so you can nurse. Down the road, I hope to do their hair for prom. I go to the nursing home to cut your dying mom's hair. I hold her hand, and touch her face and sit with her while you go eat for the first time today. Next month I will hold you in my arms while you grieve her death. For a year. Maybe two. We will cry together and share memories of her.
I drive to your dad's house to help trim his toenails, he can no longer reach them. I bring the whole deal, he gets rose petals and foot soak and foot massage too. He is so pleased. What a kind stranger I am. He's known me since I was 11. This week the doctor diagnosed him with Dementia, you are upset and overwhelmed, and we both know I'm not really there for feet.
I carefully wash your hair the first time after head surgery. I will get nauseous seeing the staples on your tender scalp, and I'll have to sit down when I turn pale. You will have to dry it yourself. I would be a lousy nurse.
I do your hair for free while you are in chemo. Or when you lose your job. Or when your husband files for divorce and leaves you. Or when you are a working single mom having a rough month, I will cut your children's hair for free. And I tell them I won't color it unless they keep good grades (cuz I'm on your side). I accept payments of garden produce, bartering, kitchen appliances and gift cards you don't want, pay me later, honor system... It's not about the money. It's about our friendship, and how you feel when you come in. You can get a "haircut" anywhere.
I am not just a hairstylist. I am also a healer. And I am your friend.
I have extensive education, college degress, plus continued certifications. I
am ordained, trained in healing touch, counseling, coaching, reflexology,
reiki, Native American healing, certified ESL instructor.
I run every aspect of my business myself
(scheduling, appts, supplies and ordering, bookkeeping, my website,
I have no insurance or retirement, no benefits.
Except I love what I do.
Suddenly abruptly divorced after an abusive marriage, after
barely surviving a violent and traumatic childhood... I was on empty. Truly I
was lucky to be alive. But was I really alive? Thriving? No. I was not
thriving. I was barely hanging on, in perpetual fight or flight. My body was
depleted, adrenals shot, hair falling out. And I was terrified to be alive.
I discovered Reiki while caring for a friend who had major
surgery. Someone came to do Reiki on her. I had never even heard of Reiki. I
was skeptical and protective of her. Yet he was so gentle, honoring, tender,
sacred. He held her gently; he cradled her, and held her hand, and comforted
her. I wept. I had never been held safely and comforted. Counseling is nothing
like this. I need this. We all need this.
I started going to him for Reiki. The first few sessions he
just held me and let me grieve while he did Reiki over me. He let me mourn my
childhood, my ended marriage, and grieve being a strange sensitive soul in a
big world. He gave me a safe, sacred space to begin healing. Over time he
started showing me how to ground myself. He taught me to center and connect to
my own energy with my hands, and how to unplug my brain and be calm. How to
breathe in good and breathe out negative. He taught me different techniques for
calming myself, mindfulness and meditation, and be more observing of my
emotions (rather than being consumed by them). He helped me connect with my
inner child. My divine wise self. The earth. Source Energy. He showed me how to
breathe in the energy of the trees, of stars, of everything.
He helped me transform anxiety, insecurity, and stress into
self-confidence. Each session was empowering, healing, and safe. He has been my
mentor and teacher for years. I have studied and learned under his guidance,
and he has given me the tools to heal myself. To trust myself. To trust my
inner knowing. And that is what lights me up. I want to share this knowledge
and healing with others.