Monday, January 29, 2018

reality shift

This feels like another reality shift, a catapult.  
Contraction and then launching?
I feel change crawling in like fog,
I feel it before it gets here.
what I know and see.
I feel it coming in advance,
and that's hard to understand 
or describe to others.
Big me trusts.  
Little me is weary and frightened of letting go, 
endings, less structure.
I'd like enough stability 
that I didn't often feel like 
I was falling down hills in the dark
and waking up in new unfamiliar places.
The old reality is flickering?  In and out?
It's static, then vivid, and then fading...
yes flickering.
And overlapping new reality?
I can feel both,
like two stations at the same time.
Wonder why I feel grieving...
I expected celebrating and breath of free-ness-
not grieving.  Who is mourning?
So many on the planet are mourning...
It hurts my heart to feel it all.

He says "you have not completely let go.

You're real close.  
Jump time lines with me please?"
Hold hands and jump?
Or fly?

I'm sensing a lot and it's all 
entirely different than ever before.
I'm sensing things I can't see, 
seeing things I can't hear,
this book looks intriguing
hearing things that haven't happened yet.
Perhaps I sense I am losing my mind 
and everything else,
and I don't want you to see it too.

Monday, January 22, 2018

except I died

Everything feels surreal, ethereal...
I think I just lived 12 lifetimes in one week.
Except I died.
I shattered completely to smithereens.
To nothingness.
And from nothing, there was stillness.
And then awareness and clearness.
And now, the perspective can be so opposite from spun out,
not-self-care, not taking reflective time,
to after- quiet, grounded, connected time.
I know this!
Every day I must do this!
It feels like madness,
feeling so sure and clear one day,
and entirely the opposite the next.
When I reflect (meditate)
the answers get bigger from outside of me,
instead of small from inside of me (fear).
The answers come in from the universe
when I get still.
So I would like to make this a daily practice (again)
meditating, being still and quiet.
I forgot.
I'm so sorry.
I forgot who I was and what I need for balance.
And I got lost (again)
And am found (again)
with bigger awareness, and more love.
I wish for this knowing to stay clear
and not get clouded or pushed aside.
I wish for my balance to stay grounded,
no matter what is going on or who is around me.
I wish for my heart to stay open
so the guidance is clear.
Thank you for helping me to remember.

Monday, January 15, 2018

big shifts

Stop!  My head is so full I am uncomfortable.
Shifts, new info, knowledge, 
dream-journeying (whatever that means)
I have a traffic jam of information
and I'm holding all these pieces 
and don't know where to put them.
I am full!
I am asking specific questions to my partner,
so I can see the bigger picture, 
so I can put the pieces down until they make more sense.
And he gives me more pieces.
I'm frustrated to tears, 
and don't know how to communicate differently.
I don't know if I'm not communicating clearly,
if he isn't hearing me,
if he isn't understanding me.
if he thinks more puzzle pieces will help me....
I don't know how to explain better.
I'm full on every level, I don't understand the big picture,
I don't know how to sort and assimilate-
these intense planetary energy shifts, downloads, info.
I'm hungry for the information and understanding,
the understanding doesn't happen well 
if I'm a traffic jam and so full I'm tense.
(it must be entirely frustrating for him to witness as well)
Every part of my body-
my thoughts, senses, energies, understanding, 
connection inside and out
are being re-wired and I'm f***ing confused.
I don't know how to communicate it or find relief.
How can I be a big being if I have so little comprehending 
and awareness of what's going on inside myself?
Plus creating a new world?
While functioning in the current world?
Manage all this (and pretend I'm fine, normal, sane)
and interact with other humans
schedules, work, jobs, chores, plan and dream my future,
be a present mom 
(friend, daughter, partner, companion, teacher, healer)
omg it's laughable yet I want to cry.

I need a stunt double.
Wait.  I have one, or many (my higher self and angel guides)
I don't know what they are up to.
Who is coordinating all this anyway?
They are all parts of me, 
I am exhausted just sensing all that is going on.
There must be a simpler way.

Friday, January 5, 2018

down the rabbit hole of fear

Vision or dream in the bathtub after a spectacularly frustrating couple of days...

That doesn't feel good.
Does it hurt?  (Higher Self)
Was it meant to hurt?
I don't know.
Could it be something else?
Is this new hurt or old hurt?
I don't know.

Gawd!!  Stop putting up bricks!  I can't breathe in here.  
You're closing me in and I don't have any room or perspective 
to zoom out and see what's going on.

No!  I can't move the bricks.  If I move them, I will fall out.

Just move some... a few.  Here, let me help.

No No No!  I am falling out and I'm scared! 
Ow I'm falling and this cold air hurts, it's dark.
F*** I'm down a rabbit hole. 
It's deep in here.  And dark.  Echo-y. 
I can hear whispers and scurries,
I have no protective skin, I hear ghosts. 
I don't know where I am. 
Echos and ghosts, from everywhere, all over the world. 
If I'm even still on Earth.  Help!  Can anyone hear me down here?

Echo-y far away distant voice-
Hey, while you're down there, let me help.  
Here's more stuff for you to figure out.

And an echo memory of my father's voice saying
"just pull yourself up and get a real job."

No!  I'm still falling,
don't give me more heavy stuff to hold, I'll fall faster!

Distant voice:  Well what do you want?

(me responding in echo whisper scream that you can't hear,
dream words that don't come out...)  Please help me!

Distant voice:  I don't want to go down there.  
It's dark.  Let me know when you figure things out.

(me dream screaming that doesn't come out...) 
Please give me a hand.  I'm so frightened down here.
(But the words don't come out in this dimension.  
And in the falling I can't tell if you are pushing me down 
or pulling me up, and I'm screaming and fighting.)

I could just have a little light... a match.  Crap.
Now my toes are on fire, and my dress, my legs.
Yup.  I'm on fire.
Burning up in flames, consumed by emotions.  Again.

I've burned up entirely,
and I'm just floating now, no body, just dust of consciousness.
Not falling, not feeling, just floating.  Now what?

And I wake up in the bath tub, thinking hours had passed.
I got up so fast to journal that I almost passed out.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

full circle and rites of passage

Apparently I am being given a new role in my journey- to become a death and dying companion.  Companion for both the one whose life is ending, and for the ones who still remain living and grieving.  

One close friend wants to help me train to be a death and dying doula.  She herself worked for Hospice for many years, and was so sad to discover that people are almost always shocked and surprised to be told they were dying (aren't we all dying??)  Here they are, at the end of their lives, and have never given it a thought, no plan or ideas about this sacred rite of passage.  Ultimately, strangers are usually brought in to assist, in a clinical and medicinal manner of course; for what should be a tender, intimate, soft, gentle time.  

My friend doesn't want strangers brought in for her.  She wants a friend, soul mate, confidante, someone who has spent years earning her trust, learning her ways, her preferences, quirks and idiosyncrasies; how she likes her hair brushed, her laundry folded, how warm she likes her bath water, which lotion she likes rubbed on her feet, the words to songs we can sing together, who knows when to giggle with her inside jokes and when to hold her and reassure her.  That's the kind of friend I wish to be.  And I am honored that she believes in me and trusts me.

I have barely wrapped my head around this idea.  Honestly, I said no at first.  Several times even.  I don't want to care for the dying body (I would certainly be a terrible nurse!!)   Now that I am listening and hearing what she really wishes for, I understand she wants care for her spirit, her soul.  I love this idea!  I have not begun "training" yet (you know, officially).  In the mean time, another friend has just been hired as a Hospice Social Worker.  She started reading a book and ordered me a copy so we could talk about it together.  It's called "Companioning the Bereaved".  I am only halfway through it so far and am moved to tears.  This is the kind of compassion I want to share!

The book points out that "if we don't acknowledge the significance of death, we don't acknowledge the significance of life."  It talks about creating a sacred, safe place for people in grief to.... well... grieve.  And how to be their companion, a patient listener, hand holder.  To help journey with them, help them find their way into and through the wilderness of grief. "The mysterious, spiritual dimension of grief that allows us to go on living, until we, too, die."  Not cure them, not rush them through the "unpleasant" process and back to work.  But be present with them.  Wow.

Full circle- I started learning about sacred ceremony and rites of passage while studying to become ordained 20 years ago.  My first ceremony, and the reason I became ordained, was for a funeral being planned down the road.  Someday.  For somebody I loved and admired greatly.

She wanted a ceremony that reflected and celebrated her life; who she was as a human being, what she was passionate about, how she lived.  Turns out that you have no rights when you are dead.  Including the words that will be shared at your funeral service.  Unless you have a signed contract and someone you trust.  Like me...  Now after 20 years of ceremonies- weddings, funerals, child blessings, house blessings... it's coming full circle back to sacred rites of passage and the end of life.  I'm not ready.  Of course.  Literally and metaphorically.  

Another dear friend's husband has just requested hospice two days ago.  He may not live through the week.  We have a reiki session planned in 5 days for him to bring him comfort, and he likely won't be there in person for it.  She wants me to help him "breathe into the universe, be at peace".  She is worried that he is too attached to this experience and existence...  Tears stream down her face as she confides in me.  She is not ready for him to be done here.  And she wishes him peace to transition.  That is real love.  Deep love.  I am at a loss for words.  I haven't even finished the first book, much less started courses yet to learn this work.  So I just listen and love her.  And wish I could do more. 

Friday, October 27, 2017

learning to confide in my partner

Morning thoughts after a turbulent week.

It seems if I maintain and keep with quiet reflective time, I stay more balanced and grounded.  If I don't, I get overwhelmed easier and don't have the awareness to go back into calm in the moment.

If my brain is full, I shouldn't take in any more info or stimulation.  It's time to pull back and process.

When big things happen, even though my instinct is to share with my partner, it might be better to pull back and reflect first.  Otherwise I'm too full to communicate well.  Or listen well.

I'm not a good listener when I'm too full.  It causes me stress to try and listen when I really need to process and share.

When I tell my partner I need them to listen, what I mean is:

I trust you with my process.  I want you to be an insider with me, part of my journey, part of my mundane 3D scheduling world and part of my existential spiritual world.  Help me find the balance.  Hear my innermost thoughts, and worries, my dreams.  Help me make a plan.  But first, care enough to be still and let me be safe to share (which means please don't interrupt).

If for whatever reason they don't make the time, or get distracted, or change the subject (without offering hope of a better time to share) then what I hear is:
I don't have time for you.  Your thoughts aren't interesting/important to me.  I only want you to hear mine, I don't want to hear yours.  (Or worse) I don't care about this because I'm not investing in you or our future.

While this may have been true in the past, how do I not force it to be true now out of old habits?  How do I not get defensive and triggered and still feel ok, that cutting me off or switching subjects or walking away does not always mean "I don't love you, I am walking away emotionally and physically."

I don't share with or trust many.  Very very few earn that.  So if I wish to share, it's huge for me.  How can I learn to not take it personally if for whatever reason they don't chose to hear me?  How can I build intimacy and trust anyhow?

Big stuff for me.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

spiritual tantrum

I've been struggling for answers
a clearer path, a simpler way.
I have longed for and asked for this.

Please show me what I need to know.
"I'm showing you."  (higher self)

I don't understand.
"Be still.  I'm trying to explain"  (higher self)

This doesn't make any sense!!
"It will.  Hold on.  I'm showing you."

This is frustrating!  I hate it!
"Stop screaming and thrashing!
I am trying to show you gentler answers!"

Me- throwing symbolic tantrum,
like a cat being stuffed into a cat carrier,
claws gripping doorways, hissing,
clawing things.
"Are you done now?"

Me- glaring, panting, fingers white
from trying to grip anything, everything,
hair tangled, sweaty frenzy...
"Are you ready to listen now?
I'm trying to show you a simpler way!"

Me- pouting.  I guess so.  If I have to.
"Oh my gawd!"  (higher self rolls her eyes)

Sometimes we fight each other.
It's immature.
I'm still learning.
Being human is not easy.