Friday, May 29, 2015

what if everything mattered?

What if it really mattered, everything had a reason?  Every interaction, relationship, every painful ending... What if it was to line everything up cosmically so better things could happen?  I hope so.

What if all the world debt really is paid off?  What if we all, every single one of us, got to be free, abundant, vibrant, thriving humans, living from our hearts?  Doing what we love, creating, sharing, loving, joyfully making a life instead of a living? Thriving, not just surviving?  Can you imagine??
I am sure trying to.

I want it. Beautiful changes in the world!  I want it so badly, not just for me (although I would sure enjoy it) but for everyone who is struggling, who has pain, who is being suffocated, stifled, oppressed, raped by the system.  I want joy for everyone.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

taking one for the team, mastering painful families

Long talk with L. today on my way out of town.  I had to pull off the side of the road so we could visit before I lost reception.  Her guides are from other planets and places.  I'm not sure about mine...  Her guides told her to tell me I'm an ancient soul, as old as time.  I have reincarnated many lifetimes on many planets and galaxies.  

She says I cam here on purpose, and chose the most painful, abusive childhood, on purpose.  Not from one, but four parents (parents and step parents).  I took one for the team.  Because experiencing all that pain and healing will not only help others heal, but will raise the vibration of love on the whole planet, change the whole grid of humanity here.  

Well that sounds a lot better than being a hopeless victim!  Gives me a purpose, a reason for it all, and I can turn it into something beautiful, unconditional love or something.  Since that's why I came here.

We also discussed the split that happens in the psyche with too much abuse.  It's a separation that is necessary for survival, like a starfish that cuts off a limb to get away from predators.  But how do you heal that split? How do you bring the two parts back together?  Re-attach the leg?  Or soul?  The vulnerable authentic child self that has been tucked away and protected, and the "functioning" adult self? Plus... two distinct halves of the brain that function and process entirely differently.  Plus the shadow self and light self... and living in human 3D dimension as well as in higher vibration.  How do we bring all those fragmented selves together into one cohesive well adjusted whole?

We also discussed our families- if we can heal enough to deal with them and no triggers and attachments... that is ultimate mastery.  Or- are our parents so dysfunctional that we must sever ties completely?  Maybe that is master- being complete in our own right, without a family?  

Our families cord into us (energetically, like electrical synapses and magnets, vampires to suck our energy and keep us depleted, and we are so accustomed to that vibration that we keep going back because they tell us it's love, and each time we think it will feel better.

Maybe the mastery isn't in resolving it with them, making peace and non-attachment.  Maybe mastery is in cutting off the blood supply and being whole.  I don't even know.  I suppose if they are doing more harm than good, they aren't good for me.

Monday, May 11, 2015

she hit me again

I'm climbing into bed, got home from Reiki with friends.  What beautiful souls there, it's surreal being so safe and vulnerable with some people.  H. wrapped her arms around me and rocked me, and held me while I cried, mourning the last of my inner child who has never been rocked or held safe.  M and L held me too, comforted me, reassured me.  How can I feel like a beautiful goddess coming into my own light and also small and vulnerable at the same time?

Two days ago my step mom hit me.  Again.  For the last time.  Two days ago my dad wasn't there to protect me or stop her.  I'm sad it came to that, for me to really see with new eyes what kind of people they choose to be.  They will never see my gentle soul or love me.  Now they won't see my son either, because she has scared him.  He was there when it happened, he heard it.  I won't continue to expose him to that kind of crazy (he gets enough trickle down affect from my childhood already).

This is not my family.  Family doesn't hit each other.  This is not my tribe.  I want nothing more in any way from these people.  Thank you for the lessons, it's time for me to cut ties now.  It's time to be done with this dance of insanity.

Tomorrow I get my new driver's license, then it's my birthday.  What will my new me be like?  Strong, graceful, powerful, strong boundaries, loving, beautiful, strong boundaries, goddess of light on the divine path, the way of God.  I surrender to this new path.

Guides, please protect me and my son.  I'll do my best to surrender and trust this journey.  Please keep us safe.  Please help me to transform these lessons into something worth living for.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

spirit medicine healing

We traveled quite a ways to meet the Shaman who would hold the ceremony for spirit medicine healing.  It was a small group, intimate actually.  

Two males, including the Shaman, and three females, including me. We have been doing deep work together for the last year, and this weekend would be transformational.  This is what I journaled immediately following the ceremony, to remember as many details as possible.

Sitting in the center of the circle, the others sitting around me to hold space and bring me back safely.


First I felt a heaviness and a lightness, I am falling inside out, collapsing in, exploding out. A falling back and a floating away.  I saw felt and breathed lines, with colors in between. Maybe a kalaidescope.  Then the lines started to pulse, like music, or with the music.  I could feel the thought of sound, pulsing out.  Waves of light and sound, waves of wavy ripples.  




Then I saw bright warmth, like the sun.  I was drawn and pulled in, yellow golden life of all, everything.  Then a pink, soft swirl, slowly turning, opening like petals unfolding, unwrapping, pink becoming more vivid, getting bigger and opening, petal by petal.



A heartbeat thrum pulse connects the golden light to the flower, the flower becomes the sun, and I become the flower.

I am back in my body for a moment, then the light asks, "see?  feel it?"  


The music pulls me back out, toward the light, through the light, filling me up with the light, now I see pink skies and then dark skies and stars, nebulas, galaxies, forever and ever. I'm pulling them, breathing them into my body, and they are breathing in and out of me, I am big and little, here and there, inside and outside.  I am being sucked back toward my body again, and I'm pulling the stars and galaxies with me, breathing them into me, and they turn into my cells. 

The light is bright again, I'm back in my body on the mat.  With all the stars I brought with me, breathing them in, pulling in their light.  Then I'm back out again, pink red skies, nebulas, pulsing warmth heartbeat, music, water, cells all on the same breath.  I am just being created, or re-created; stars becoming cells and I am in this nebula that becomes a womb, I can feel and hear the heartbeat and I am a tiny universe, the stars becoming my cells.  I am observing, weeping.  It takes my breath away, how beautiful.  Words cannot describe this intense feeling.

This feeling of ending and beginning, inside out, expanding and collapsing, and being safe in a womb, safe, heartbeat, the umbilical cord that connects me to to all of everything that ever is and was.  I am vast and tiny at the same time, old and young, here and there, I taste the music, I hear my cells, I breathe in galaxies to fill me up.  I am being pulled back into my body, I want to remember it all, every eternity of it.  I don't want to forget when I get back in my body and wake.

I am being softly pulled, gently floating out of the womb, and I am floating through... I am confused, I see different colors, it's cooler.  I see watercolery, greens and blues, swishing together, blurry and unfocused.  It's leaves!!  Tree tops!  And sky!  

What is this?  I am squinting, trying to focus but I'm so confused and a little scared.  I'm drifting down, through these soft leaves, it's refreshing.  A new breath, and breeze?  Is this breeze? Now I am far away from the light, warmth, but there is dapply light coming through the leaves, it's ok, I can still feel it.  This is my new home, for a while.  It's so different, the pulse is so faint, I can almost not hear it.  The trees hear it, this soft green fluffy stuff on the ground hears it, it's so muffled and green here. I hope I can still remember...

My nose tickles and I can't move my arms.  The Shaman says to come back, wiggle my toes, see if my nose is still there.  How does he know my nose is tickly?  I feel like weeping in awe and beauty.  Here I am.

The grief then wells up. I roll to my side, curl up on the mat and cry.  All this time of feeling small and separate, of feeling little and lost, all this time I have been hungering and seeking, weeping to remember.     

for my spoken video, click below:
https://youtu.be/27H3dWMCuf4

My experience and visions must not be that unusual, as I was able to find pics online that embody what I wanted to share.

Friday, May 1, 2015

charmed despite the odds

Charmed.  Thinking about all the ways I have been blessed and never really acknowledged it.

By all accounts, I should not be alive.  Here I am, only 1 car wreck (fender bender between two cars at an almost stop).  Despite the odds, I am sane, sober, and healthy.  Despite the odds, I am a mom. Despite the odds, I am healing my life and  becoming a healer.  Despite the odds, I am creative, resourceful, determined.

Despite growing up with abusive parents, some of which were alcoholics, or druggies and in and out of rehab... despite the violence, I managed to keep a pure heart.

There have always been good people in my life to look after me, protect me, believe in me.  Looking back, I must have also had guides and angels, or I wouldn't be here. Thank you.

13 places I have lived were my first choice, even if I was low on the waiting list (dorm rooms, apartments, houses...)  I still got the places I wanted to be in.  Many of them had clotheslines and a small place for hammock and tiny garden.

I can stop watches, make lights go out, read people with psychic abilities, accomplish things like magic.  It must be when I am in flow, when I really believe it, and don't doubt that I deserve it, then magic happens.  I know it's not just because of me, but I am part of it.  

I can say or write things with purpose, and it happens. 

So... I deserve to be free of debt.  We all deserve that.

I deserve abundance, a place to live, a place I've always dreamed of, in nature.  I deserve to received lots of money/inheritance/investment/gift/grants, as well as earn good money.  I deserve somebody who believes in me and a healing center in nature.  The universe knows that people on Gaia need this.

Do I need a partner to help me with this?  Or do it on my own?  Will a stranger help?  I'm not sure yet. Either way, I need to know and believe I want this, dream of this, desire and deserve this.