Sunday, December 17, 2017

full circle and rites of passage

Apparently I am being given a new role in my journey- to become a death and dying companion.  Companion for both the one whose life is ending, and for the ones who still remain living and grieving.  

One close friend wants to help me train to be a death and dying doula.  She herself worked for Hospice for many years, and was so sad to discover that people are almost always shocked and surprised to be told they were dying (aren't we all dying??)  Here they are, at the end of their lives, and have never given it a thought, no plan or ideas about this sacred rite of passage.  Ultimately, strangers are usually brought in to assist, in a clinical and medicinal manner of course; for what should be a tender, intimate, soft, gentle time.  

My friend doesn't want strangers brought in for her.  She wants a friend, soul mate, confidante, someone who has spent years earning her trust, learning her ways, her preferences, quirks and idiosyncrasies; how she likes her hair brushed, her laundry folded, how warm she likes her bath water, which lotion she likes rubbed on her feet, the words to songs we can sing together, who knows when to giggle with her inside jokes and when to hold her and reassure her.  That's the kind of friend I wish to be.  And I am honored that she believes in me and trusts me.

I have barely wrapped my head around this idea.  Honestly, I said no at first.  Several times even.  I don't want to care for the dying body (I would certainly be a terrible nurse!!)   Now that I am listening and hearing what she really wishes for, I understand she wants care for her spirit, her soul.  I love this idea!  I have not begun "training" yet (you know, officially).  In the mean time, another friend has just been hired as a Hospice Social Worker.  She started reading a book and ordered me a copy so we could talk about it together.  It's called "Companioning the Bereaved".  I am only halfway through it so far and am moved to tears.  This is the kind of compassion I want to share!

The book points out that "if we don't acknowledge the significance of death, we don't acknowledge the significance of life."  It talks about creating a sacred, safe place for people in grief to.... well... grieve.  And how to be their companion, a patient listener, hand holder.  To help journey with them, help them find their way into and through the wilderness of grief. "The mysterious, spiritual dimension of grief that allows us to go on living, until we, too, die."  Not cure them, not rush them through the "unpleasant" process and back to work.  But be present with them.  Wow.

Full circle- I started learning about sacred ceremony and rites of passage while studying to become ordained 20 years ago.  My first ceremony, and the reason I became ordained, was for a funeral being planned down the road.  Someday.  For somebody I loved and admired greatly.

She wanted a ceremony that reflected and celebrated her life; who she was as a human being, what she was passionate about, how she lived.  Turns out that you have no rights when you are dead.  Including the words that will be shared at your funeral service.  Unless you have a signed contract and someone you trust.  Like me...  Now after 20 years of ceremonies- weddings, funerals, child blessings, house blessings... it's coming full circle back to sacred rites of passage and the end of life.  I'm not ready.  Of course.  Literally and metaphorically.  


Another dear friend's husband has just requested hospice two days ago.  He may not live through the week.  We have a reiki session planned in 5 days for him to bring him comfort, and he likely won't be there in person for it.  She wants me to help him "breathe into the universe, be at peace".  She is worried that he is too attached to this experience and existence...  Tears stream down her face as she confides in me.  She is not ready for him to be done here.  And she wishes him peace to transition.  That is real love.  Deep love.  I am at a loss for words.  I haven't even finished the first book, much less started courses yet to learn this work.  So I just listen and love her.  And wish I could do more. 






Friday, October 27, 2017

morning thoughts about being heard

Morning thoughts after a turbulent week.

It seems if I maintain and keep with quiet reflective time, I stay more balanced and grounded.  If I don't, I get overwhelmed easier and don't have the awareness to go back into calm in the moment.

If my brain is full, I shouldn't take in any more info or stimulation.  It's time to pull back and process.

When big things happen, even though my instinct is to share with my partner, it might be better to pull back and reflect first.  Otherwise I'm too full to communicate well.  Or listen well.

I'm not a good listener when I'm too full.  It causes me stress to try and listen when I really need to process and share.

When I tell my partner I need them to listen, what I mean is:

I trust you with my process.  I want you to be an insider with me, part of my journey, part of my mundane 3D scheduling world and part of my existential spiritual world.  Help me find the balance.  Hear my innermost thoughts, and worries, my dreams.  Help me make a plan.  But first, care enough to be still and let me be safe to share (which means please don't interrupt).

If for whatever reason they don't make the time, or get distracted, or change the subject (without offering hope of a better time to share) then what I hear is:
I don't have time for you.  Your thoughts aren't interesting/important to me.  I only want you to hear mine, I don't want to hear yours.  (Or worse) I don't care about this because I'm not investing in you or our future.

While this may have been true in the past, how do I not force it to be true now out of old habits?  How do I not get defensive and triggered and still feel ok, that cutting me off or switching subjects or walking away does not always mean "I don't love you, I am walking away emotionally and physically."

I don't share with or trust many.  Very very few earn that.  So if I wish to share, it's huge for me.  How can I learn to not take it personally if for whatever reason they don't chose to hear me?  How can I build intimacy and trust anyhow?

Big stuff for me.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

spiritual tantrum

I've been struggling for answers
a clearer path, a simpler way.
I have longed for and asked for this.

Please show me what I need to know.
"I'm showing you."  (higher self)

I don't understand.
"Be still.  I'm trying to explain"  (higher self)

This doesn't make any sense!!
"It will.  Hold on.  I'm showing you."

This is frustrating!  I hate it!
"Stop screaming and thrashing!
I am trying to show you gentler answers!"

Me- throwing symbolic tantrum,
like a cat being stuffed into a cat carrier,
claws gripping doorways, hissing,
clawing things.
"Are you done now?"

Me- glaring, panting, fingers white
from trying to grip anything, everything,
hair tangled, sweaty frenzy...
"Are you ready to listen now?
I'm trying to show you a simpler way!"

Me- pouting.  I guess so.  If I have to.
"Oh my gawd!"  (higher self rolls her eyes)

Sometimes we fight each other.
It's immature.
I'm still learning.
Being human is not easy.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

like a broken gift

Tonight I wish I could paint.  I don't even have supplies.
Even still, I wouldn't know how to capture this vision.


I am standing, naked, vulnerable,
holding my pieces, trying to cover myself.
My skin is peeling open, my star bits are showing through.

My whole life I have felt like I didn't belong here.
My weird starlight and strangeness
trying to peek out of my cracks,
my costume not holding at the seems,
the pieces sliding open through my fingers.
I am frantically trying to cover myself up...
and star dust is floating out...
exposed naked on stage.
Most people don't notice at all.
Some are alarmed.  They are afraid of me.
What is wrong with me?


I am raw, tender,
tears softly rolling down my face, dripping off my chin,
into these new openings.
I'm standing here quivering, holding all these pieces,
like a broken gift.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

dirt musings, thinking about big things

spontaneous musings while sitting in the dirt, weeding.
Struggling to make sense of all the changes, internally and externally.
So much to process.

Memo alert!!!  New info coming in!
What do I do with it?
I don't know.
It's important!
Yes, It's all important.
I must understand it and make sense of it!
Hurry!

No- everything is fine.
Don't rush.
In it's own time.
But hurry.
It's the evolution of you
and all humans.
No big deal.

Weeds.  Pull weeds!  Nature.
Check out
and check in.

All is fine.
I'm teary, overwhelmed.
How can I possibly do all of this
on so many levels?
And of course, in a short while,
I'll remember
I signed up for this.
And of course, I can do this.

Friend writes back-
"It all takes care of itself.
Just "be" in joy.
"be" in beauty.
and "be" in love.'
No need to hurry.
Slow down.
Let me be still with you.

Be still with me.

Sunday, May 7, 2017

dryad mystic ancient soul healer

Wondering what to do with my life. 
It seems everything I long for is against the American Way
Rent a house?  Commute?  Desk Job?  Bills?  TV?  The mall?  City?
All of it insults my soul.  Deeply.

I am a dryad, mystic, priestess, shaman, healer,
     ancient soul, pagan goddess, gaia spirit.   (medicine woman?)

How do I reconcile this deep longing with my lot in life?
How much do I concede so we can have a place to live,
     when jobs deplete my soul, the city suffocates me.
Please show me another way.
I do not see a path that has barefoot, 
     sleep in branches under the stars,
     wildflowers, meadows, growing my own food,
     helping others from my heart (not my wallet)
     painting, singing with the trees…

If I can’t ever be this, then I think I would rather die…
than suffocate at mindless, heartless jobs,
     contributing to a system I don’t believe in, that makes us slaves.

If I am truly an ancient magical powerful shaman woman,
then how can I manifest a different path?
How can I thrive in a world that values everything fake?
How do I fake it too?
And get by financially?

I am existentially lonely.  Truly very lonely.
For I life I don’t know how to achieve. 
I don’t know how to do this, I don’t know who to ask. 
The Universe?  Angels?
“Hey, how do I thrive in a 3D world that depletes me,
     insults every aspect of what I hold dear?”

I’m grieving and mourning everything I’ve never had in this life.
How do I turn that into hope? And a meaningful life?  An abundant life?
If I’m going to feel like this forever in this lifetime, then I want out.
Or show me another way.

Please.