Saturday, October 11, 2014

everything matters and nothing matters

Everything matters.  And nothing matters.
All is important.  Nothing is important.
Duality.
Everything is true and nothing is true.
Time is limited.  And life is unlimited.
Life never ends and time is infinite.
Time doesn't even exist.

"The unknown becomes the known at a given time. The unknowable, on the other hand, is the indescribable, the unthinkable, the unrealizable.  It is something that will never be known to us, and yet there it is, dazzling and at the same time horrifying in its vastness... it is the warriors task to reach into the domain of mystery, to extend his hand without knowing ahead of time what there is to grasp..."  ~Don Juan

Each moment is all that matters, all you really have.  The real meaning of life is in those moments, being fully present and aware of them.  But... cosmically speaking, the moments are mere blips.  And nothing matters in the end.  How can you believe both?  It all means so much, every choice, every food we eat, every word we say, every moment we spend. But... I can only do so much and still actually function and live.  

Monday, October 6, 2014

i've been chosen for reiki mastery

My Reiki mentor tells me to "be the smile".  That's it.  That's the whole point, nothing more deep or complicated than that.  I think I can be that.

He also said he chose me for Reiki Mastery training because what I see as weakness in myself are really strengths- my raw pure vulnerability and naive genuine compassion, humbleness, an innocence that I brought with me from before earth, that remain uncorrupted... Despite all the horrors and abuse I have witnessed and experienced, all the trauma and violence, I still have a pure heart.  Perfect for being and becoming a healer.  He assured me that vulnerability is a strength, it takes strength to keep walls down and be real, genuine. Oh, and I'm insatiably curious and love to learn.

And he reminded me we can't really hurt anybody with our truth.   Why do we suffer and create conflict over communicating our truth?


Friday, October 3, 2014

lessons and inner conflict of speaking my truth

Lessons.  So many lessons.  I am trying to be thankful for the opportunities to learn and grow, and see it that way (instead of challenges).

Lessons in forgiveness. Lots of synchronicities telling me to forgive, especially myself.  What does this mean?  I don't know that I have ever intentionally hurt somebody, I try to do my best.  Maybe forgive myself for hiding things people judged and not letting myself blossom?  Maybe for judging myself in the shallow earthly way that I don't even agree with?  (get a better job, have a title, buy popular things).  Maybe for trying so long to please others that I don't even know myself?  Forgive myself for bringing out the best and believing in others, but not doing that for myself?  I don't have the answer to this lesson yet.

Also lessons in speaking my truth.  I feel what others feel.  If I hurt somebody, I feel their pain.  Standing up for myself is a complicated balance between emotions, intuition, compassion, intellect, empathy.  The biggest conflict is my inner conflict; debating if I should say something, and how to say it clearly and concisely, matter of factly, without dram or emotion, so both people understand the rules and boundaries.  I have a long way to go in this area.