Sunday, April 20, 2014

thoughts before my first reiki session...

I want to feel loved, content, in my place, that I belong both in my body and on this planet.  I want to feel safe, grounded, connected, oneness with all that is good and divine in the universe.

I want to feel strong, healthy, fit, limber, radiant, fluid.  I want to eat foods that nourish me, and surround myself with people who nourish me too.

I am afraid...  Afraid I am not strong enough to survive the process of healing.  Afraid there isn't enough time or money to learn what I need to learn to grow and heal.  I am afraid there is so much damage that I will never be ok.  What if I can't turn it into something beautiful?  What if I always feel raw, vulnerable, unworthy?  What if I never fill up this empty space within myself, no matter how much I give and love?  How can I inspire and help heal women when I myself feel small and vulnerable?  How can I be a good mom if I never had a mom?  How can I ever feel loved when I wasn't wanted?  How can I find balance between feeling so much love for the world, and feeling so sad at the same time?  I feel raw and in wonder and blessed... also lonesome, weird, and so sad.  I am frustrated with what is, and so hopeful for what could be.  I feel so connected and alone....?

I want to make a difference.  I want everything to matter.  I want there to be more than just... this?

Can I learn to comfort myself?  Can I hold me in my arms, gently tell me it will be ok?  Will it be ok? Would I believe me?

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