I need some guidance. Everything is different, which so far, is even worse. I am so lonesome, and really sad, and I don't like going through this process alone. I feel isolated, and even weirder than before I started this healing journey.
I need some direction, guidance, hope. I am really struggling, and I don't know the skills yet how to be at peace, how to feel comfortable in my body, how to feel at one. I don't like it at all. In fact, I don't like this me much. I feel scared, irritable, hateful, short tempered, exhausted, lonely, crabby, raw, sensitive, weepy, and moody... hopeless. And that's a problem.
So please guide me, help redirect me to what I need to grow and feel ok, so I can contribute and be loving and strong, beautiful and joyful. Do I have a guardian angel? I think I need one. Or a few.
(now the next day....)
How do I fill this empty spot, the big gasp of terror when you realize you are small and lost, and alone, like when you were four? I want to go home. I am lonesome, and homesick, I don't fit in here. I don't have a home, or family. I really am trying to be grateful, and appreciate all that is around me, all the blessings in my life... but I am just... waiting?
I am terrified. I don't feel part of anything bigger, I don't believe love is the answer. I want a "pill" for this, so I can check back out. Everything feels wrong lately.
Today I had to go outside, I was hiding in the swing in the backyard so I wasn't so panicked in the house... and I didn't want my son to see me, crying again. Today, my meltdown was unexpectedly early. I am getting used to having them every evening, but it was early today. My son came to find me, he sat with me in the swing.
I confided that I don't know what I'm doing. I can't fake it and be like the others, this is raw and lonesome being different. What if I'm making his life harder? This isn't fun, I'm not having fun. This is terrible!! (our inside joke from when he was a child, and we were at a slightly different spot at the swimming hole. I said the whole lake is the swimming hole. He cried big tears and pointed, and said this is not the swimming hole; that is the swimming hole over there! And wept "This is not fun, this is terrible!!")
I told him I'm not digging being me right now. I'm not making a difference in the world (peace, lightwork, love, healing). I may not develop my wings, hell I am mostly snot bubbles and weeping these days. It's not pretty or fun. My entire family thinks I'm crazy, every single one of them. Should I just take a pill for this? Buy a tv? Get a desk job? Would it make a better life for us?
He looked me right in the eyes for a while. Then he said, "I know it's not pretty, but it's real. Don't take a pill for that, and become a numb, 'gee that's nice mom'. I want you to be real" He's 11 years old.
Thank you universe, for putting this angel right square in the middle of my life. How beautiful.
I put down my pencil now and stop writing in my journal, and knock on his door, so I can thank him for being such a beautiful human being to say that to me. I tell him he is the first person EVER to tell me to be real and not fake it. And I tell him it makes my heart overflow. Across the dark room, he giggles and says, "I can hear it overflow and come out your nose in snot bubbles." He's right.
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