not damaged, but alive

I am having a rough week.  I am not adjusting well to being inside so much, or driving.  I miss the warmth, and the beach, and the free feeling of the village.  People there were not full of judgment the way people here are.  Nor did they expect so much out of people, they just allowed everyone to be free, and themselves, and shared the joy.

We are all, every one of us, damaged.  It's from being alive, living, loving, falling, learning, trying, failing, adventuring, trying again, healing, hurting, crying, growing...  I try not to look at it as damaged.  I try to see it as being alive.  But some days we all feel damaged in some way or another.

Someone very dear to me tonight wrote me, "Lay your head down tonight and know you are loved." I don't think anyone has every said something so sweet, genuine, and loving to me.  It totally ruined my perfectly shitty mood.  I went from feeling sorry for myself, pathetic, puffy swollen eyes and snot bubbles, to feeling  a little bit of a smile.  Then a little warmth in my heart.  And love, and hope.  Not for anything specific, but hope in general, that everything will be better. 

He reminded me that paradise is in our minds and in our hearts, we are all there, space is no time.  He also reminded me to stay strong, not to stifle, speak my mind, stretch, live.  I can't feel it right now though.  I can't close my eyes and feel the joy of paradise in my mind.  I lost it somehow, coming back.  I promised I wouldn't lose it, and promised to keep it alive in my heart, every day, bring paradise back with me and grow it within me and I would grow with it too.

All the walls here--- physically and metaphorically, stifle me.  I can't connect, can't feel the earth, the air, energy of life.  I can't feel love from here.  I am wearing shoes, and can't feel mother earth through the buildings, or cement, through closed windows and doors, floors and ceilings.  Help-  I am locked inside, losing air, feeling stifled and sad.

But sometimes, someone even far away, knows your heart, knows when to send love, and can blow a breeze, send a throught, that will ruffle the curtains on your shuttered up windows, and let the sun peek in... and you know you are not alone, and you feel love.