spirit medicine healing

We traveled quite a ways to meet the Shaman who would hold the ceremony for spirit medicine healing.  It was a small group, intimate actually.  

Two males, including the Shaman, and three females, including me. We have been doing deep work together for the last year, and this weekend would be transformational.  This is what I journaled immediately following the ceremony, to remember as many details as possible.

Sitting in the center of the circle, the others sitting around me to hold space and bring me back safely.

First I felt a heaviness and a lightness, I am falling inside out, collapsing in, exploding out. A falling back and a floating away.  I saw felt and breathed lines, with colors in between. Maybe a kalaidescope.  Then the lines started to pulse, like music, or with the music.  I could feel the thought of sound, pulsing out.  Waves of light and sound, waves of wavy ripples.  

Then I saw bright warmth, like the sun.  I was drawn and pulled in, yellow golden life of all, everything.  Then a pink, soft swirl, slowly turning, opening like petals unfolding, unwrapping, pink becoming more vivid, getting bigger and opening, petal by petal.

A heartbeat thrum pulse connects the golden light to the flower, the flower becomes the sun, and I become the flower.

I am back in my body for a moment, then the light asks, "see?  feel it?"  

The music pulls me back out, toward the light, through the light, filling me up with the light, now I see pink skies and then dark skies and stars, nebulas, galaxies, forever and ever. I'm pulling them, breathing them into my body, and they are breathing in and out of me, I am big and little, here and there, inside and outside.  I am being sucked back toward my body again, and I'm pulling the stars and galaxies with me, breathing them into me, and they turn into my cells. 

The light is bright again, I'm back in my body on the mat.  With all the stars I brought with me, breathing them in, pulling in their light.  Then I'm back out again, pink red skies, nebulas, pulsing warmth heartbeat, music, water, cells all on the same breath.  I am just being created, or re-created; stars becoming cells and I am in this nebula that becomes a womb, I can feel and hear the heartbeat and I am a tiny universe, the stars becoming my cells.  I am observing, weeping.  It takes my breath away, how beautiful.  Words cannot describe this intense feeling.

This feeling of ending and beginning, inside out, expanding and collapsing, and being safe in a womb, safe, heartbeat, the umbilical cord that connects me to to all of everything that ever is and was.  I am vast and tiny at the same time, old and young, here and there, I taste the music, I hear my cells, I breathe in galaxies to fill me up.  I am being pulled back into my body, I want to remember it all, every eternity of it.  I don't want to forget when I get back in my body and wake.

I am being softly pulled, gently floating out of the womb, and I am floating through... I am confused, I see different colors, it's cooler.  I see watercolery, greens and blues, swishing together, blurry and unfocused.  It's leaves!!  Tree tops!  And sky!  

What is this?  I am squinting, trying to focus but I'm so confused and a little scared.  I'm drifting down, through these soft leaves, it's refreshing.  A new breath, and breeze?  Is this breeze? Now I am far away from the light, warmth, but there is dapply light coming through the leaves, it's ok, I can still feel it.  This is my new home, for a while.  It's so different, the pulse is so faint, I can almost not hear it.  The trees hear it, this soft green fluffy stuff on the ground hears it, it's so muffled and green here. I hope I can still remember...

My nose tickles and I can't move my arms.  The Shaman says to come back, wiggle my toes, see if my nose is still there.  How does he know my nose is tickly?  I feel like weeping in awe and beauty.  Here I am.

The grief then wells up. I roll to my side, curl up on the mat and cry.  All this time of feeling small and separate, of feeling little and lost, all this time I have been hungering and seeking, weeping to remember.     

for my spoken video, click below:
https://youtu.be/27H3dWMCuf4

My experience and visions must not be that unusual, as I was able to find pics online that embody what I wanted to share.