i am a galaxy

 

I was awake in the middle of the night, and wandered outside to look at the stars.  I watched a satellite go by, and wondered how fast it must be going. Then I wondered how fast the earth is spinning, and how come I can't feel it.  I pictured the earth rotating, and the orbit around the sun, and the whole solar system is spinning as well.  How come we don't feel like we are on the scrambler ride at the fair?  

 

While I was thinking about all the orbits, it occurred to me that planets orbiting around the sun are very similar to protons orbiting around a nucleus.  A nucleus is a lot like a little sun if you think about it. What if cells are actually tiny solar systems?  What if solar systems are just cells to some unimaginably bigger life form?  Perhaps our solar system is really just one big cell, one solar cellular structure....?  

 

If you look at a galaxy, you see the bigger sum of who we are.  If you look through a microscope, you see the smaller sum of who we are.  Does everything get infinitely smaller or infinitely larger, depending on the direction?  Does it all run in one long continuum in either direction?  Or does it fold back in on itself like an MC Escher drawing, a riddle, a torus of energy, small becoming larger and large becoming smaller?  Does it all exist at the same time?

 
Inside every cell is life, a consciousness.  All the separate live cells add up to a larger body (life form).  The individual cells create overall life.  A human is made up of millions of individual, separate life cells that contain individual energy; but collectively, it creates a whole new life energy.  All the cells working together, with the DNA script of life and protein and energy, in synergy, create a new bigger energy.  Energy creates energy, life creates life.  Everything is ultimately part of everything, smaller is part of bigger, little frequencies create bigger frequencies, everything contributes to the synergy and energy of life.  All is energy.  All is a vibration.

 
If everything everywhere is energy, then our consciousness is energy, and creates energy.  If all the individual cells create life, then our individual energy creates our reality because cellular energy changes collective energy around us.  Like a ripple...  send out a thought created in your heart, and it ripples out around us, affecting all the energy in the universe.  If I want peace, I can become peace, by changing the vibration of frequency within myself.  Peace will ripple out from me, and create more peace around me, by altering frequencies of that around me.  

Ultimately, I am a galaxy.  I am made up of star dust and energy and life and consciousness.  Everything that exists is within me, and I am part of everything that is and was.  I am not flawed; or I wouldn't be here.  Cosmically speaking, I am perfect. 

I was inspired about the torus from a movie called Thrive Movement.  Here is a link to the movie trailer.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OibqdwHyZxk

human compassion must be the antidote

I am lonesome.  There is so much evil in the world.  Intolerance, hatred, greed, cruelty.  I want to deeply believe  that good will prevail, that love is the answer.  I want to send out good energy, but I'm just one little person.  How can I make a difference, when I am surrounded by people who don't understand, and I become depleted with energy going out, and not enough coming back to replenish me?

Words seem trite tonight.  My heart aches with awareness of injustices but I don't know what to do about it.  It's difficult not to get lost and consumed by the immensity of evil, the vastness and emptiness of hatred in the world.  If love is the answer, then I need love in my world.  If human compassion will be the antidote to evil, then I need compassion and connection in my world, so I can reflect it out to the earth.  Maybe I feel hopeless right now, my light has gone out.  

I try to reflect on my blessings and be thankful for all I have.  But I'm still sad for all I don't have, all I have lost, and all the sadness in the world that I can do nothing about.

I asked the universe...

So many changes this year.  I have been betrayed by some I didn't expect, and again by people who have betrayed me my entire life (my parents mostly) and new people as well.  It's painful to realize that some things haven't changed and my parents still disappoint me and can make me feel like a small, scared child again.  I would like to say I don't need them, but deep down, I feel heartbroken all over again, an orphan.  Secretly, I wonder... If my own parents can't love me, how can anyone else?

But maybe, just maybe, I don't really need them, and I can be loveable and beautiful in my own right, regardless of their ugliness.

I am telling myself today that I am strong.  I am asking the universe to provide for me everything I need to be safe and happy and at peace.  I am asking to feel complete, not broken.

Random scribbles in my journal from previous years that seem relevant today:

There is strength in your brokenness.

You are strong where you feel week.

In your brokenness, complete.

Fear:  we want to keep safe.

Love: we already are safe.

 

I see with love. I think with love.

I move in love.  I live as love.

Love is me.  I am love.  ~Kidest Om

I am not perfect. Perfectly human.  Beautifully imperfect.

This week I prayed for love.  I asked the great universe to take care of me, protect me.  I prayed for the energy of the earth to give me everything I need to survive and heal and grow, to feel loved and peace.  And I felt it.

goodbye house

dogwood

backyard 2012

clematis and honeysuckle

peony

I want to grow, heal, learn, expand, enjoy... but I am also scared, vulnerable, and want to feel safe.  I want to believe in love.  I am trying to be easier to love.  That is part of my  journey this year, finding what's good in me and around me. 

peony and geraniums

my fav spot in the yard :)

It is strange to be back in our home town, but not in our house.   I keep thinking about what is blooming now.  When S was very small, we started a tradition of adventuring in our yard.  We would wander about together, holding hands, discovering what was budding, sprouting, poking up out of the earth.  

clematis

lillies

We treated it like a birthday, all the presents to find that were just for us!  And I guess, in a way, it was a birthday for each of the buds and plants..

roses

clematis on the pergola

We had planted so many things over the years.  Many were starts from friends, so our landscaping was pieced together with the love of others, leftovers, transplants, cuttings, recycling and sharing.  Hydrangeas, dogwood, plum tree, pear tree, poppies, strawberries, artichoke, grapes, iris, hyacinth, crocus, lilacs, tulips, yucca, virginia creeper, pussy willow, loganberries, hostas, clematis, wisteria, echinacea, daisies, peonies...   

lillies

honeysuckle

Every year I brought the outer edges of the yard further in, replacing grass with plants.We wanted the yard to be lush, green, a haven of life and living.  I think we will be able to do that again, with time, somewhere else.  I hope the new owners love it as much as we did, and appreciate all the plants that come up each year.

loganberries

from my yard

Goodbye house, goodbye yard.  We will miss you.

our first pear!

2005

2012

doctor kid

I had a very sad day.  A hide under the covers and try to sleep through it and wake up next week kind of sad day.  I hate it when my son sees me sad.  On the other hand, I realize I am human, and run the whole gamut of emotions.  I want him to know that it's normal, to have different emotions, and that how you feel is ok; it's truth.  

I didn't have words to tell him what was going on.  I couldn't even explain to myself the complexities of my emotions today.  He intuited most of it, bless his heart, he's a smart kid.  Sometimes we communicate without words, and he understands my heart.  I find it especially delightful, because we really understand each other, and yet he is so very different than me.   

So the wisdom of a ten year old.  He guessed I had been indoors too long and needed to be outside.  He prescribed me a hug, a walk, and a dose of swinging in the park.  Profound, little one :)

the park

he swings too

pink rain?

higher!!

not damaged, but alive

I am having a rough week.  I am not adjusting well to being inside so much, or driving.  I miss the warmth, and the beach, and the free feeling of the village.  People there were not full of judgment the way people here are.  Nor did they expect so much out of people, they just allowed everyone to be free, and themselves, and shared the joy.

We are all, every one of us, damaged.  It's from being alive, living, loving, falling, learning, trying, failing, adventuring, trying again, healing, hurting, crying, growing...  I try not to look at it as damaged.  I try to see it as being alive.  But some days we all feel damaged in some way or another.

Someone very dear to me tonight wrote me, "Lay your head down tonight and know you are loved." I don't think anyone has every said something so sweet, genuine, and loving to me.  It totally ruined my perfectly shitty mood.  I went from feeling sorry for myself, pathetic, puffy swollen eyes and snot bubbles, to feeling  a little bit of a smile.  Then a little warmth in my heart.  And love, and hope.  Not for anything specific, but hope in general, that everything will be better. 

He reminded me that paradise is in our minds and in our hearts, we are all there, space is no time.  He also reminded me to stay strong, not to stifle, speak my mind, stretch, live.  I can't feel it right now though.  I can't close my eyes and feel the joy of paradise in my mind.  I lost it somehow, coming back.  I promised I wouldn't lose it, and promised to keep it alive in my heart, every day, bring paradise back with me and grow it within me and I would grow with it too.

All the walls here--- physically and metaphorically, stifle me.  I can't connect, can't feel the earth, the air, energy of life.  I can't feel love from here.  I am wearing shoes, and can't feel mother earth through the buildings, or cement, through closed windows and doors, floors and ceilings.  Help-  I am locked inside, losing air, feeling stifled and sad.

But sometimes, someone even far away, knows your heart, knows when to send love, and can blow a breeze, send a throught, that will ruffle the curtains on your shuttered up windows, and let the sun peek in... and you know you are not alone, and you feel love.