Saturday, December 13, 2014

note to my small self

Note from my higher divine self, to my small fragile inner self:

It will be ok.
You are divinely loved and beautiful.
It's ok to feel scared.  You are growing and learning and change is scary.
I will hold you in my arms and keep you safe.
You are meant to be here, you chose to be here, my little angel.
You feel small, but that's because you are confined in this earth body, this heavy dimension.
Open the windows and breathe.
You are thinking too much.  Just rest.
Breathe in light, breathe out fear.  
Heavy air on earth isn't giving you enough light and you are hyper-ventilating.
Breathe in Light.
You are different.  It's ok.
You are a star seed, guided by divine light and deep consciousness.
These are not your parents, they don't understand you....  
You are loveable and that's why you are here.
You are loved, you are love.  You brought it with you. 

Breathe in Light.  Breathe out fear.
Right now, what you simply have to do "is be"
Be one with yourself.
Be one with others.
Stop thinking.
Anchor to Light.
Be at peace.
Take heart, little star seed.
Be guided by inner knowing, and divine light.
You are loved.
Be love.


Saturday, October 11, 2014

everything matters and nothing matters

Everything matters.  And nothing matters.
All is important.  Nothing is important.
Duality.
Everything is true and nothing is true.
Time is limited.  And life is unlimited.
Life never ends and time is infinite.
Time doesn't even exist.

"The unknown becomes the known at a given time. The unknowable, on the other hand, is the indescribable, the unthinkable, the unrealizable.  It is something that will never be known to us, and yet there it is, dazzling and at the same time horrifying in its vastness... it is the warriors task to reach into the domain of mystery, to extend his hand without knowing ahead of time what there is to grasp..."  ~Don Juan

Each moment is all that matters, all you really have.  The real meaning of life is in those moments, being fully present and aware of them.  But... cosmically speaking, the moments are mere blips.  And nothing matters in the end.  How can you believe both?  It all means so much, every choice, every food we eat, every word we say, every moment we spend. But... I can only do so much and still actually function and live.  

Monday, October 6, 2014

i've been chosen for reiki mastery

My Reiki mentor tells me to "be the smile".  That's it.  That's the whole point, nothing more deep or complicated than that.  I think I can be that.

He also said he chose me for Reiki Mastery training because what I see as weakness in myself are really strengths- my raw pure vulnerability and naive genuine compassion, humbleness, an innocence that I brought with me from before earth, that remain uncorrupted... Despite all the horrors and abuse I have witnessed and experienced, all the trauma and violence, I still have a pure heart.  Perfect for being and becoming a healer.  He assured me that vulnerability is a strength, it takes strength to keep walls down and be real, genuine. Oh, and I'm insatiably curious and love to learn.

And he reminded me we can't really hurt anybody with our truth.   Why do we suffer and create conflict over communicating our truth?


Friday, October 3, 2014

lessons and inner conflict of speaking my truth

Lessons.  So many lessons.  I am trying to be thankful for the opportunities to learn and grow, and see it that way (instead of challenges).

Lessons in forgiveness. Lots of synchronicities telling me to forgive, especially myself.  What does this mean?  I don't know that I have ever intentionally hurt somebody, I try to do my best.  Maybe forgive myself for hiding things people judged and not letting myself blossom?  Maybe for judging myself in the shallow earthly way that I don't even agree with?  (get a better job, have a title, buy popular things).  Maybe for trying so long to please others that I don't even know myself?  Forgive myself for bringing out the best and believing in others, but not doing that for myself?  I don't have the answer to this lesson yet.

Also lessons in speaking my truth.  I feel what others feel.  If I hurt somebody, I feel their pain.  Standing up for myself is a complicated balance between emotions, intuition, compassion, intellect, empathy.  The biggest conflict is my inner conflict; debating if I should say something, and how to say it clearly and concisely, matter of factly, without dram or emotion, so both people understand the rules and boundaries.  I have a long way to go in this area.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

it takes guts to turn off your tv and live for real

First time I admitted out loud that I am proud to be clueless and uninformed.  I don't want to be ruled by fear.  I must protect my heart and keep it alive, full of hope.  Media feeds us lies of fear, separation, disconnection, hopelessness.  It keeps us isolated, complacent, and like strangers.  

I need us to be alive, connected, family, brothers and sisters, breathing the same air of the heartbeat of the planet.

Maybe it's naive, or weak to stay out of media and news and politics and world news.
I think it's weak to unlive, complacently, shallow, superficial "living".  It takes guts to risk being authentic and real, connecting with other people, turn off the tv, experience life for real, thinking your own thoughts, traveling your own journeys and adventures (with your own feet, not watching from a sofa), to take off your shoes and feel the earth.  

Yes this is raw and real.

Friday, September 26, 2014

prayer for hope

I don't understand what any of this means.  I don't understand the connection between good and bad, between mean people and good people.  I guess I am meant to be here because I'm here.  But it's painful.  All of it.  So terribly painful.

I only know enough to know there's meaning, but none of it makes sense.  

Please keep me safe, and my son too.  Please keep us both safe.  Please don't let anyone without unconditional love into our hearts.  Please guide us to good people, to healthy people, so we don't get lost or trampled.  Please give me wisdom to know which battles to fight and which to let go.  Please keep our hearts pure and not hateful.  Please give me strength to keep going.  Please give me hope that it's worth it.

how do i know what's good for me?

So the question of the day...
I am certain the universe will provide for me everything I need and probably desire.  I am also certain that I can manifest pretty well, almost at magic levels.  But I have to be careful, because I can manifest things that aren't in my best interest.  

How do I know what is in my best interest?  How do I know what is best for me?  How do I know what is best in the long term, for my higher good?  How do I know what is selfish and seems needy, that it isn't deeper than that?  What feels like deep love isn't just... being needy?  If I knew the rules or what was best...  and nobody can know.  And waiting and wishing is terribly difficult.  

I don't want to force the wrong things, just because they feel right.  I can't see into the future, or the big picture of before I got here and after I go.  I hardly understand my own thoughts, feelings, and needs.  I will try to listen and be patient.  

Universe, please guide me to listen and be soft.  To learn the lessons I need to, to become who I am meant to become, to remember all I need to know, and be love.  

Monday, September 22, 2014

autumn sad

Today is equinox.  It's supposed to be a time of balance, harmony, reaping the benefits of all our hard work.  I spent some time considering what to send out to the universe and what to be grateful for.  I want to wish for abundance, even if it feels greedy to say that.  Abundance for all the ways I share and help others.  Abundance would allow me to do even more, and the peace of mind not to be as stressed and tired.

Fall is sad to me.  Autumn.  Every year it feels like the end, as though everything is dying.  Nothing truly dies of course, I know this

at some level.  Everything slows down, even energy seems to vibrate slower, hibernating.

I don't know which is more lonesome for me, being around people, or being alone. I want to go home, and I don't know where home is.  A before this life home?  Someplace (or every place) that feels deep, rich on many levels, not empty or shallow and heavy like earth.

I am trying to remember to ground, plug in...the days go so fast, so much to do, I don't have time to reflect and write, garden, walk, sing... 

This is not the life I want.  I want more love, light, air, earth, stars, time, floating and swinging in the hammock, swimming, sunning, more time to find joy.

I feel far away from Source, from the universe, from connected, divine, truth.  I miss the warmness of awareness, the light floating of all space, being inside out and outside in, all is one, near is far and far is near, all at once.  That place where everything makes sense in truth.

I really am trying to be grateful here in this time, in this life... but it feels oh so empty comparitively.  How do I connect and bring it inside me?  Remember the all and light without feeling homesick?

Saturday, September 20, 2014

it's all in my hands

Many synchronicities.  This is fun :)
S brought home a palm reading book.  He was looking for books on magic and the librarian referred him to the section of the library that has palm reading books.  We poured through the book in depth, read each others lines, studied the charts.

I met someone I already know recently, we can't figure out how we know each other.  Turns out she is a palm reader, and a Medicine Woman.  I am fascinated.

She read my palms today.  She confirmed all the lines S and I found, and more.  She says I am a healer, intuitive, psychic, old soul, resourceful, wise, artistic, gentle, empath, incredibly strong, tough childhood, survivor, I have guides and guardian angels, I'm pretty much good at anything I want to be, I am passionate, love deeply, have markings of an orphan (no connection at all to my birth family), am a Divine Goddess and spiritual seeker.  Hmm.  That's a lot.  

I liked her touching my hands. 

Monday, September 15, 2014

orphan and child of the universe

I used to feel like I didn't fit it. 
I have always felt like an outsider.
Like I don't belong.
Last night I realized I belong everywhere,
especially outside, in nature.
My home is under the stars.
An orphan and a child of the universe.

"As above, so below
and without, and within
I am, I am, I am
we are, we are, we are
one, one, one."

"Thank you for returning to me
that which is rightfully mine.
I am eternally grateful."

We were on the way to Whale Medicine Wheel.
Leaving the wheel, going back to the main road, we arrived in just a few minutes,
less than half the time it took us to go the other direction.
We stopped the car, looked around, confused, and both acknowledged we didn't know how that happened. It felt like time travel. 

Just when you need a sign from the universe that there is something bigger and more magnificent going on, there is a sign.

Friday, September 12, 2014

toxic baggage stew in my belly

Dear Universe-
I have baggage in my belly,
holding in everything negative.
Emotions, memories, fears, pain,
all this stew to protect my fragile little child self inside.
It feels like pollution to let it out,
so I have always stuffed it in.
It's stew really,
made from toxic bits others have given me.
Guilt, shame, violence, fears, pain bodies.
None of it serves me.
I don't want to trudge it around anymore.
How can I release it?
Please show me how to let it go without guilt
for not holding it in.
"I am responsible for the energy I release in the world."
Dear Mother Earth and Angels,
please help me release everything that doesn't serve me
and holds me back and causes me pain...
everything negative in my belly, my pain body, my memories...
help me let it all go.
Help me turn it into something beautiful and healing and loving
as it floats away.

Friday, September 5, 2014

who can take as much as i give...

This song sums up how I feel about a love partner.

"I want someone who can take as much as I give; 
and give back as much as I need, and still have the will to live."
~Indigo Girls

I do want someone who honors me, treats me as well as I treat them, who gives as much as I do, even if in different ways, who makes me feel special and important in their world.  Love fiercely, stand up for each other, bring out the best in each other and also let each other be free to be their own person.

I give people too much benefit of the doubt.  I don't want to take more than I give, but I often end up giving until I am depleted, for very little in return.  I deserve to be treated well.

I like the quote "someone will hold me so tight that all of my broken pieces will stick back together" and I also want them to let me be free to blossom.

It's possible.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

spiritual emergency

notes from the book 
"Spiritual Emergency:  When Personal Transformation Becomes a Crisis" 
by Stanislaw Grof

The Kundalini creates the universe out of her own being, and it is she herself who becomes this universe.  She becomes all the elements of the universe and enters into all the different forms that are around us.  She becomes the sun, the moon, the stars, and fire, to illuminate the cosmos which she creates.  ~Swami Muktananda  "Kundalini:  The Secret of Life"

The pain resulted not from the process itself, but from her resistance to it.  Disturbances seen are not pathological, but rather therapeutic.

Those who behave well and keep silent may avoid being called insane, schizophrenic, hospitalized, sedated.  But their isolation may cause much suffering.  Though confused, fearful, and disoriented, are already undergoing a therapy from within, far superior to any else.

Sometimes the process initiated by spiritual emergency simply enhances the quality of existence by healing various emotional, psychological, and physical problems, or by leading to a better self acceptance.  Because of these changes, the capacity to enjoy daily life increases considerably.




Sunday, August 3, 2014

i should come out and play


Trying to remember everything I want to remember from reiki today, now that I'm home.  2 hours of everything I want to learn.  If I only remember one thing, it's divine love, trust the process.  I already know what I need to know.

And my meaning of life needs to be... I am yummy.  safe.  divine. loved.  love.  joy.  alive. that's all that matters.  The head stuff is just filler, white noise, distraction.



Play now.  swing.  laugh.  barefoot.  silly happy.   love first.  think later.  open the windows.  sing.     Really.

Let the walls down, swing open the gates, accept love.  accept life.  no need for walls now, I am safe. I am home now.  Let in the breeze, moonlight, stardust, butterflies, flower petals, love, let it flitter and float in, heal me.  I am airy, light, fluid, dew drops, morning sun, fairy wings, snot bubbles and all.


Epiphany--  if I come undone while the doors are open, I should come out and play.

Monday, July 21, 2014

do I have any guardian angels? oh, here's one!

Dear Universe (God, spirit, angels, guides)
I need some guidance.  Everything is different, which so far, is even worse.  I am so lonesome, and really sad, and I don't like going through this process alone.  I feel isolated, and even weirder than before I started this healing journey. 

I need some direction, guidance, hope.  I am really struggling, and I don't know the skills yet how to be at peace, how to feel comfortable in my body, how to feel at one.  I don't like it at all.  In fact, I don't like this me much.  I feel scared, irritable, hateful, short tempered, exhausted, lonely, crabby, raw, sensitive, weepy, and moody... hopeless.  And that's a problem.

So please guide me, help redirect me to what I need to grow and feel ok, so I can contribute and be loving and strong, beautiful and joyful.  Do I have a guardian angel?  I think I need one.  Or a few.

(now the next day....)
How do I fill this empty spot, the big gasp of terror when you realize you are small and lost, and alone, like when you were four?  I want to go home.  I am lonesome, and homesick, I don't fit in here. I don't have a home, or family.   I really am trying to be grateful, and appreciate all that is around me, all the blessings in my life... but I am just... waiting?

I am terrified.  I don't feel part of anything bigger, I don't believe love is the answer.  I want a "pill" for this, so I can check back out.  Everything feels wrong lately.

Today I had to go outside, I was hiding in the swing in the backyard so I wasn't so panicked in the house... and I didn't want my son to see me, crying again.  Today, my meltdown was unexpectedly early.  I am getting used to having them every evening, but it was early today.  My son came to find me, he sat with me in the swing.

I confided that I don't know what I'm doing.  I can't fake it and be like the others, this is raw and lonesome being different.  What if I'm making his life harder?  This isn't fun, I'm not having fun. This is terrible!!  (our inside joke from when he was a child, and we were at a slightly different spot at the swimming hole.  I said the whole lake is the swimming hole.  He cried big tears and pointed, and said this is not the swimming hole; that is the swimming hole over there!  And wept "This is not fun, this is terrible!!")

I told him I'm not digging being me right now.  I'm not making a difference in the world (peace, lightwork, love, healing).  I may not develop my wings, hell I am mostly snot bubbles and weeping these days.  It's not pretty or fun.  My entire family thinks I'm crazy, every single one of them. Should I just take a pill for this?  Buy a tv?  Get a desk job?  Would it make a better life for us?

He looked me right in the eyes for a while.  Then he said, "I know it's not pretty, but it's real.  Don't take a pill for that, and become a numb, 'gee that's nice mom'.  I want you to be real"  He's 11 years old.

Thank you universe, for putting this angel right square in the middle of my life.  How beautiful.

I put down my pencil now and stop writing in my journal, and knock on his door, so I can thank him for being such a beautiful human being to say that to me.  I tell him he is the first person EVER to tell me to be real and not fake it.  And I tell him it makes my heart overflow.  Across the dark room, he giggles and says, "I can hear it overflow and come out your nose in snot bubbles."   He's right.  

Friday, July 18, 2014

chakra class notes

spring 2014

How to learn to trust myself when my whole world is falling apart?
Life isn't happening to you.  It is happening with you.  

We are spiritual beings having a physical experience.  What we feel and think (emotions) is a beacon to attract everything that comes to us.  Heart is truth, but the mind can lie.   We are electromagnetic vibrational beings, operating through emotions.

We operate through love or fear.  
Love is intuitive, fluid, open, trust, joy.
Fear is logical, closed, analytical, afraid.

Laugh, seek joy, live fearlessly.  Cancer is the result of fear.  Be infused with bliss, love, energy.

Learning chakras- helps us be mindful how we invest our precious life force (power, prana, chi) at all times, and be empowered to balance ourselves.  If all is in balance with energy flow, we don't get depleted.  The target is art of love- balance.  Love yourself while loving another, without losing power.

Chakras- spiritual anatomy that correlates to physical anatomy.  We are batteries; currents of energy come in through the top of our heads from divine universe (source, God...)

Hindu metaphysical and tantric/yoga teaches that chakras are points or knots in the subtle body, located on physical counterparts of major plexus.  Chakras are meeting points of subtle energy channels- nadis.  Energy moves through these channels, through the body.

1st- (red) roots- at sexual part of body- 
             connection, tribal, all is one, survival, safe.
2nd- (orange) womb-
             relationships, partnerships, nuts and bolts of survival, sexual energy
3rd- (yellow) solar plexus/upper belly-
             personal power, self esteem, fear of rejection, intuition, fears of abandonment, unworthy
4th- (green) heart-
             lotus, self love, anahata
5th- (lt blue) throat-
             communication, integrity, truth, speak and receive truth, willpower, choice
6th- (dk blue) third eye/forehead/frontal lobe-
             vision, big picture, clairvoyance
7th- (violet) top of head-
             spiritual, connection to God, source, divine, infinity.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

learning to calm with reiki

Today at reiki, he taught me to center my energy with my hands, and how to unplug my brain and be calm.  He also showed me how to ground myself, send bad energy out, fill up with good energy that's all around me and already in me.  (Why do I have to pay someone to teach me this as an adult?!? Why are we not being taught this in school?)

When I could do it, and really picture that calm and love (I feel it best when I imagine floating on the water in the sun) he could feel it too and would whisper "good job".

When his hands were gently over my eyes and we were just breathing in life, peace, love from the universe, an image of a purple flower popped into my mind- a flower bud blossoming and growing in my tummy.  In that safe spot, the one I keep bundled up and hidden, a light came in, and warmth, and now there is a flower growing.   Yes, we were sober!

At the very end, he said, "Many blessings.  I'm proud of you.  You are kicking ass."
and he added, "feelings of suffering and separation are not real.  Just love what is."


I leave reiki,  I am, hopeful, giddy even, that I will learn to feel ok.  But what do I do when I go home?  What do I do with all these feelings that come up later?  I don't know yet how to comfort myself.    And night comes, and I am to my knees, hollow, lonesome.  I have just hours ago barely learned to be calm with his help, and now I'm by myself with all this sadness.  

I text him, he responds immediately.
"Nothing is wrong. You are perfect, whole, and complete.  Everybody is.  There is nothing to fix. There is nothing to do except just be."  What a beautiful soul he is.  I am grateful.


Saturday, June 21, 2014

torn wide open

I have begun the official path of my spiritual journey of healing.  I am off chemicals (anti-depressants, ambien, ativan).  All natural, eating well, gardening, learning to meditate, learning reiki, raw as hell.  Part of me just wants to get it over with, part of me wants something to numb it all.  I feel it all so intensely- everything beautiful, sad, alive, lonely, I'm torn wide open, shredded, raw... partially aware, not enough to protect me.  

I am afraid I will fall in, get lost in myself.  or worse, fall out, little bits of me evaporating into the universe and never coming back, floating away until I disappeared.


From the book "Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle
The "sane" are not really sane, and the psychotics are not as mad as they appear to be... such people feel unreal and disconnected... their fear of losing themselves is so consuming and over-whelming that it results in self preservation, rather than self satisfaction...   The person is plunged into a void of nonbeing in which he flounders.  There are no supports, nothing to cling to, except perhaps, some fragments of the wreck.  Madness need not be a breakdown.  It is also a breakthrough... intellectually, emotionally, interpersonally, organizationally, intuitively, theoretically, we have to blast our way through the solid wall, even if at the risk of chaos, madness, and death.


That's the part I'm afraid of!


Thursday, May 1, 2014

exquisitely perfect

so.  In my last life I must have been a mermaid... I could communicate with my heart.  Now I have clumsy legs and I struggle to use words.  I miss the water and communicating with my heart.

I am learning.  We are not good or bad; we are perfect.  Just like flowers and butterflies, seeds and strawberries, sunlight and the moon.  We have everything perfect inside us.  The only thing that can be labeled bad is when we judge and punish ourselves.

Don't analyze, don't judge, don't punish.  Just be.  We are absolutely magnificently, exquisitely perfect, right here, right now, exactly as we are.  Flawed, confused, curious, silly, inquisitive, baffling, messed up... exactly as we are supposed to be, on this journey called life.

Beautiful imperfect humans (in 3D heavy clumsy earth bodies).  And the best part- it just gets more beautiful along the way!

The world needs to bow down before love.


Sunday, April 20, 2014

thoughts before my first reiki session...

I want to feel loved, content, in my place, that I belong both in my body and on this planet.  I want to feel safe, grounded, connected, oneness with all that is good and divine in the universe.

I want to feel strong, healthy, fit, limber, radiant, fluid.  I want to eat foods that nourish me, and surround myself with people who nourish me too.

I am afraid...  Afraid I am not strong enough to survive the process of healing.  Afraid there isn't enough time or money to learn what I need to learn to grow and heal.  I am afraid there is so much damage that I will never be ok.  What if I can't turn it into something beautiful?  What if I always feel raw, vulnerable, unworthy?  What if I never fill up this empty space within myself, no matter how much I give and love?  How can I inspire and help heal women when I myself feel small and vulnerable?  How can I be a good mom if I never had a mom?  How can I ever feel loved when I wasn't wanted?  How can I find balance between feeling so much love for the world, and feeling so sad at the same time?  I feel raw and in wonder and blessed... also lonesome, weird, and so sad.  I am frustrated with what is, and so hopeful for what could be.  I feel so connected and alone....?

I want to make a difference.  I want everything to matter.  I want there to be more than just... this?

Can I learn to comfort myself?  Can I hold me in my arms, gently tell me it will be ok?  Will it be ok? Would I believe me?

Thursday, April 10, 2014

grief and reiki and hope

The other day I went to my old house to get some plants and the clawfoot tub in the yard.  I hoped to be there before the renters but they showed up early, caught me standing in the front yard with a shovel, sobbing.  The house I lived in and loved for ten years...  is no longer my home.  Strangers are moving in.  My marriage is done.  

Why does it make me so sad to dig up plants?  I get to take them with me and replant them.  The new tenants were so kind and understanding, as I wept big tears and could not voice the words behind them.  

Also on my mind that day... my friend had major surgery and I was to go take her lunch and be with her that same day.  I hated to take my sad sorry-ass energy to her, so soon after surgery.  When I called, she said, "No worries!  I am on narcotics, I won't even remember.  Come anyway and be with me."

While I was there, her friend came by to give her reiki love.  Oh my, words cannot encompass this beautiful, surreal, sacred experience.  His energy was so loving!  He was absolutely tender and gentle with her, his hands on her hands, then on her face, her heart, her belly.  He could feel her sadness, as she welled up with tears and asked if she was still a woman.  He honored her, listened, and reassured her that yes, she was definitely still a woman, all the while holding her hands and caressing her hair.  

He asked her, "beautiful, how long has it been since anybody just held you and let you cry?"  She mumbled sleepily, "Oh, I think since the last time you held me".  I burst into tears, and wept, overcome with my own grief in the world, for my pain, and for her pain, and for his gentleness.  I wanted to curl up on his lap and let him hold me too.  Everybody needs a lap and arms, a safe place to grieve.

He asked if I'm an empath, and yes I am.  He suggested that I lay down with her, and hold her, snuggle her, comfort her, help ground her, as he did reiki on her.  I laid and put my head on her shoulder, my dear friend of almost 20 years, she and I held hands while he did his magical energy work.  I could feel the energy move all the way through, calming and connecting and nurturing.  Protective even.  

I was not held as a child.  I have no memories ever of being held.  When my gramma was dying, I wanted so much to climb in bed with her and hold her.  I still have recurring dreams of doing this.  She would never have allowed it though, so I mourned her loss from the other side of the room, my only real parent and I couldn't even hold her as she was leaving me.

In a way, I am touched, because THIS is what I have needed my whole life, not counseling or meds. Part of me knows I need this.  I don't even know what reiki is, but I need this.  In a way, I am relieved to know this exists.  And I am sad that we have to pay someone to re-teach us something that should be so instinctual and innate.  I'm broken hearted because I am still filled with grief of my own, I am empty, lonesome, unfulfilled, have no family, and don't know how to recover.  

I yearn for this peace and grounding.  I don't want to have to ask someone else to teach me.  I don't want to rely on someone else to give me a safe place to learn this, a stranger (who feels strangely safe?) to ground me and guide me to heal.  But I don't know how to do it myself.  I feel vulnerable and small sometimes, knowing both how much I have survived, and how much growing, learning, healing that I still need to do.  

Part of me just wants to be held.  Most of me actually.  I don't know how to allow it, being vulnerable and safe with someone.  And part of me is hungry to learn all this.  In the meantime, I went home, in awe and touched by this new human experience, where good people can hold you safe and help you heal.  I cried all day.  I cried so hard I couldn't even brush my teeth for bed, my eyes swollen shut.  I can't even comprehend that this really is possible for humans to be so loving.

Monday, March 10, 2014

do nothing guru- julie o rose

This writer inspires me, this passage moves me.

Aum returns us to "I am"- a creative sound that allows stillness to speak.  In the silence of our soul, we hear an inner prompting guide us into wisdom, knowledge, understanding.

I am willing to learn and unlearn.
I am present in this moment.
I am thankful to be alive.
I am 100% responsible.
I am a Sacred Being.
I am free to be.
I am an inspiration.
I am a life-giver.
I am a wellspring of wealth.
I am a living scroll.
I am alone... all one.
I am a Blessing.


I am love.  Be...in love.  An invisible heartbeat forms and reforms my human heart and transforms me now.  My mind attunes to the love song my heart sings to me.

Friday, March 7, 2014

thoughts from Eckhart Tolle

Notes from this deeply powerful book...  The Power of  Now

Resist nothing.  My true nature as the ever-present "I am" consciousness in its pure state prior to identification with form.  Peace, bliss, sacredness.  You have it already.  You just can't feel it because your mind is making too much noise.

Every person contains the seed of enlightenment from within, the knower behind the thinker, the deeper self that immediately recognizes spiritual truth, resonates with it, and gains strength from it.

Radiant joy of being and the deep unshakable peace that comes with it.  

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

what if this is all i ever am?

What if I can't outrun my thoughts?  Even when I keep going, my mind still goes faster, processing, questioning, thinking, doubting, debating, growing, stretching lists, tasks, schedules, meaning, the world... all at the same time.

What if, no matter how much I do, it's not enough to make a difference?  What if I'm busy being a mom, working, doing chores (background stuff) and that's all I ever do?  Is that enough?  For who?  God?  Is the energy spent there just as important as important as energy spent other ways?  I will never ever make my birth parents proud.  Will I make my son proud?  Or me?  What if this is all I ever am?

What if I never fill up this empty space in myself, no matter how much I give, because nothing can never fill up being an unloved, unwanted, vulnerable child?  What if I can help others, but not myself?  What if I can love and lift others up, but I fear I will be alone when I need it?  What if I always need to be lifted up because I don't know how to do it myself?  What if nobody cares anyway?  How can I believe in love and giving when I have no role models or examples of it?  How can I be strong when I am hiding the scared, abandoned, unloved little child inside me?  How can I be a worthy mom, when I never had one?  How can I inspire and heal women when I am myself just a fragile child?  How can I be a strong safe place for women, when I myself need a safe place?  And be reassured that all will be well... all is well...

The most important roles in the world- being a woman and being a mom- and I am hopelessly painfully ill-equipped to do either.  Yet I dream to do do more.  Silly girl.

This human-being thing is messy and complicated.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  I know what I want to be though--  a strong woman, a worthy mom, and an inspirer to change the world in good ways.  

Today I cried.  And cleaned the bathroom, did some dishes, prepared dinner for my son, cried on my journal... Not even close to my ideal yet.  Maybe God (or divine or universe) appreciates effort, even if I'm doing it all wrong?  Boy I hope so.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

when i run the world

I had a rough day.  Meaning I am worried about others, I have a cold, I needed a nap, but I tried to do too much.  I backed over a curb in the snow and got stuck, then burst into tears when I had to call my dad for help (who was at the library with my son, for their Tuesday Mcds-piano-library date).  I asked him not to laugh at me because I already felt pretty stupid.  He laughed anyway, and in retrospect, it is rather amusing.  How could a cold make me feel so yucky and whiny?  

It's not really the cold.  It's that I am worried about people I love.

My foster mom had heart surgery this year and now they are worried about an aneurism.  My cousin has brain damage and neuropathy from almost 5 years of chemo and brain cancer, but they won't approve her disability.  My dear friend is having a hysterectomy soon and doesn't know how to "afford cancer"and still feed her daughter.  She makes $20 a year too much to qualify for food stamps.  One of my client's sons has been in a coma for a week.  

Really?  What kind of a world is this, where a mom has to choose between paying for cancer surgery and feeding her daughter??  Where my cousin can't work for almost 5 years because of chemo and brain damage, but doesn't qualify for assistance of any kind?   Health and food should be a given, a human right, not just for the wealthy.  Healthcare, clean water, and nutritious food should not be luxuries for the rich.

When I run the world, nobody will worry about money or being sick.  And hugs for all.   And so it is.



**update since I journaled this a year ago:  My foster mom is doing well, healing nicely.  They finally approved my cousin's disability, and her cancer has retreated.  My friend is healing from first cancer and hysterectomy, and then kidney cancer and kidney removal surgery.  Friends have raised money and pitched in to help her financially, because that what good people do. 

Monday, February 3, 2014

wrinkle in time

Tonight we watched the movie "A Wrinkle in Time"  That book was one of my all time fav books, even though I don't remember much about it now (gee, it has been a few years...)

So many details that slipped my memory, but I wonder how much the book influenced me at a deeper subconscious level at a young age...  about believing in more!  Science, time and space travel, protective light-angel beings, wisdom of innocence, life on other planets, good winning over evil, playing to your own beat (not tuning into the controlling mind-numbing beat)

What I had forgotten is that it's magnificent to be different, smart, unique, magical... a strong girl.

The movie ending astounded me.  I don't even know now if it's the same as the book.  The light beings from the 4th dimension, the protective angel beings, were female, and represented consciousness, good energy, and light.  Wow!  I don't remember that detail from reading the book in my childhood, but I certainly do believe it, and always have wanted to believe this.

And!!  Love is the answer!  Your flaws are your strengths, be the best you, and you will find your strength.  And it's love...

Monday, January 20, 2014

i hope it's all enough

Many people are going through big emotional changes, finding awareness, humanity, their voices.  But everyone is at a different place on the path.  Normally I would strive to embrace all the different perspectives and paths, but I am feeling urgent.  And impatient for those who are petty, or shallow, or still so asleep.  I am frustrated and intolerant of those who are selfish or greedy or unkind.  I hope it's all enough- every single one of us on our own journeys and paths, to together work for what is right.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

gah!! my head hurts!!

Gah!  My head hurts.  Maybe because I've been so overtired I slept half the day.  Too bad too, because today was the first sunny day in ages.  There is hope for spring.  Stoopid winter :p

Maybe my head hurts because my dad keeps feeding S McDonalds, despite our repulsion of McDonalds.  I don't know what kind of light bulbs to buy (incandescent wastes energy, fluorescent has mercury and put out emfs)  Microwaves chemically alter the cells in your food.  Yikes!  Brita and Pur do not filter out flouride.  What music is ok to listen to?

If we refuse to watch tv (we refuse) and instead read books, does it matter what books we read?  (duh, of course it does!)  How much reading is healthy?  How much escaping reality is good, or is it a different mind control?  Or worse- mind numbing?

I don't want my son in public schools.  He is an amazing, brilliant, aware soul.  I don't want him held back by the "no child left behind" standards, or numbed and soul-squelched.  I do want him to socialize and know how to participate in the real world, but I don't want it to control or stifle him.  Heck, most of the time, I don't even want to participate in the real world either...

Speaking of emfs- lightbulbs... guess what else puts out those frequencies?  Doorbells, smoke detectors, smart meters eek!  Then there are tracking devices in cell phones, computers, electronics.  I just heard that tvs can monitor who is in the room and adjust ads accordingly (dog barking= dog food commercials).  And something about x boxes monitoring too  eek!!  drones?  eek!!!

At what level do I lose my mind from paranoia?  There are chemicals in the food and water, genetically modified foods being chemically altered in microwaves, being served in houses being bombarded by emfs, and more chemicals (carpet paint stain resistant fabrics febreeze plastic?  plastic- that's another blog)
and electronics (phones laptops ipads nooks dvrs cable tv) being tracked and monitored so our ads and brainwashing can be personalized and supersized oh my!  Why do I feel like the unfortunate exhibit in a bad science experiment?

Ha ha- know what started this entry?  Wondering whether or not I should take vitamins.  Really.

Weird- everybody knows chemicals are bad for us, McDonalds is unhealthy, commercials and media and tv are deliberately trying to manipulate us, so many poisons and toxins and controls...

What I don't understand is how everybody knows this, but don't seem to be upset.  They frown and wrinkle their brows at me and ask why I am upset.  They say, "calm down.  meh."

Why isn't everybody screaming?  We SHOULD be infuriated, dammit!  We should feel violated, raped even, what they are doing to us and our children.  We should demand freedom, healthy, organic, genuine reality, real living.  Why am I the weird one for believing not only that it's possible and achievable, but that it would be worth it?