money and the American Dream

Ok, I did NOT learn this in school.  This is fascinating!! (and scary). 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGk5ioEXlIM

mid life crisis?

quiet beach

I was thinking. Again.  Actually, I never stop thinking, and sometimes I have twelve thoughts and inner dialogues at the same time.  But this particular thought~ some people take sabbaticals and travel.  Some become missionaries.  Some travel Europe and stay in youth hostels, carrying just a backpack.  Some go south every winter.  Some travel in the military, some for their careers.

more quiet beach

I am traveling now.  Maybe I just wanted an excuse for an adventure.  Maybe I am having a(n) early mid life crisis.  Maybe it's a nervous breakdown.  Maybe I should ask the doctor for some meds so I will want to sit at a desk job and work 8-5 pm.  Maybe I've lost my mind (I don't hear any voices though, just birds and ocean waves).  Maybe I have itched, deep down, for much of my life for an adventure, or to experience a different culture.  Maybe this is the first time in my entire life I have had the nerve to live more than 30 miles from my home town, where I was born.  Maybe it took calamity and fear of staying the same to push me into a new direction.

lonesome hammock

But I am not really hurting anyone (I hope!!)  I am funding it myself, with the stuff I sold.  I had hoped renting out my house would pay the mortgage; so that would be a wash.  (It hasn't exactly worked out that way, but it is being remedied.)  

I got to spend four magnificent, joyful weeks with my son.  I wish wish wish he were still here with me. It's not nearly as fun without him.  I am so lucky he has such a great dad and grandparents who love him as much as I do.  I know he is in good hands, and I hope he never feels like I abandoned him or shipped him off so I could play. (If I had it my way, he would still be here with me!)

Next time I come here, I will plan better, when he's not in the middle of the school year, so we could stay longer and play together.  I'll somehow plan it around me working full time, or him in college, or him working full time with a family, tied down.  By the time I retire and have the opportunity to come back, he may be too busy or not want to spend that many weeks with his silly goofy mom.  So what a brilliant opportunity that we took advantage of now!

I have still enjoyed being here, but it's more still, reflective, without him.  I am taking more time to think and heal.  I am independent, single, but safe; my travel companion looks out for me but gives me lots of space.  I am sure that I am growing and good will come of all this.  

no tv for me

No tv.  I don't watch it.  Ever.  People look at me like an alien axe-wielding two-headed zombie when I say that.  They stammer, "bu... but..."  No.  I don't watch the news, or sitcoms.  No game shows, soap operas, reality shows.  I have never seen Survivor, American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, CSI, or any other new shows I haven't even heard of yet.  

I don't know who the actors are, or who is in which show.  I don't have time to sit and watch fake shows acted out by fake people, controlled by the media, overflowing with commercials, telling me about the products I simply must buy.  Because, well, I'm too busy living.  I read, draw, listen to music, play with kiddo, garden, email friends, make things, cook, work, do projects...  How do people find time to sit anyway?  (please don't try and tell me the news is true either.  I have personal proof they change things to suit themselves- it happened to my son's dad, and he is a good guy.  They made him look like an ass, and people believed it, because it was on tv.  I also know that all the media sources are owned by about 4 different ridiculously rich people, nationally, who run the whole thing.  How can that be objective reporting?)

It took us years to remember not to call my dad on Thursdays after 7pm--  Survivor!!  Then it moved to Wednesdays I think.  Boy I've made him really mad a few times by calling during a favorite tv program.  oh, and I need to remember not to call any night actually, because a movie might be on.  But don't call at the end of the movie, because then the nightly news in on.  Or before the movie, because the early news is on.  I also need to know when there is a game, or a car race, or if they have rented a movie.  Or if they are napping.  I can't call during commercials either, because he loves those as much as the tv program.  But why oh why don't I call more often and keep in touch? 

What's sad is he thinks he is really living.  And most people do.

chemicals and food

I am thinking about chemicals today.  There are no chemtrails in some places.  You know, the white trails of chemicals that planes leave in the sky.  Most of it is not water vapor.  It's chemicals.  Why would they put chemicals in the air?  What chemicals are they using?   Why aren't people outraged?  (I am currently doing research on chemtrails.  So far I have found that the government is very secretive about them, but they contain aluminum oxide and barium.   I have discovered that chemtrails alter the weather, and leave poisons that slowly kill off certain life forms, maybe including humans. 

Chemicals in our water, soil, plants, animals, the food they eat.  Oh and the air.  How the f*** are we supposed to live?  I don't know anybody else who reads labels like I do (yaay allergies). But if it has chemicals listed in the ingredients, I can't have it.  And that's just the items that are labeled in the store. How about before these items get to the store?  What's in the water, soil, and the foods our animals eat, and what is sprayed on our fresh foods?  What about genetically modified foods?  Chickens, cows, turkeys, pigs, eggs, fish, and whatever they eat are not labeled.  Are there chemicals in those?  

Here is the list of chemicals that I know I am allergic to:

msg, monosodium glutamate, glutamic acid, monopotassium glutamate, disodium guanylate, disodium inosinate, yeast exract, hydrolyzed anything, protein fortefide, soy protein isolate, why protein, caseinate, malt extract, aspartame, sucralose, any colors or dyes, nitrates, nitrites, smoke falvoring, "natural" flavorings, season all, bouillon, sulfates, sulfites, "enhanced" flavors, umami, ajinomoto, "accent", and in Spanish, glutamato monosodico.  

That's over 25 different chemicals, not including specific
dyes and colors.  Can you imagine looking for foods that don't have even 1 of those 25?

On top of that, I refuse to eat "high fructose corn syrup" too.  (you should research that puppy, it's very harmful stuff!)  So that rules out everything sweet, salty, meaty, savory, boxed, canned, bottled, or served in a restaurant. And doesn't even go into researching where something is made,

No wonder people are so overweight!  They are being chemically altered to be addicted to more chemicals in foods.  Our bodies are not designed to break down chemicals.

p.s.  msg is a poison.  it's an "exito-toxin" that kills braincells, like huffing.  That zippy, zingy flavor you taste when eating msg is actually a few brain cells being killed.  msg is what they use to kill dogs in other countries.  Not us, though, because that's cruel.  We put it in Cheetos, ranch dressing, cream soups, gravy, Kentucky Fried Chicken, most buffet foods, and most boxed foods.  

War on drugs?  Yes please.  How about Monsantos??

wish it now!!

If you have ever wanted a better world, wish for it now.  If you ever dreamed of a better place, more tolerant, fair, kind, joyful, compassionate, enough money, doing what you love for a living, time for fun and playing, healthcare... everything beautiful that you wish for... wish it now!!

Picture it.  Envision laughing, no fear, being safe, needs met, love, being understood.  Picture fairness for everyone you know.  Picture joy for all humanity.  Picture people in power turning away from corruption and greed, and embracing what's right for humankind.  Picture world leaders wanting peace.  Picture them smiling, drinking tea, laughing, talking about their families and loved ones, sharing childhood memories, changing the world for the better because we are all the same.  Picture them hugging and embracing each other as warriors of peace, change for the good of all humanity. 

When everybody wins, everybody wins.  And that is beautiful.  And divine.  

living vibrantly

I spent most of the day at the pool.  Silly, I know, for being so close to the ocean.  But I was the only one at the pool, so why not enjoy?  I cannot believe all of this is cheaper than living in America!   After a good walk and lunch, I tested out the kayak in the ocean-  fun!!  I surprised myself and was pretty good, until I tried to lean back and look up at the puffy clouds, which unbalanced the kayak and I fell out.  Oops.  It's much harder to get in the kayak when it's out in the water.  So I pulled it back to shore and started over.  

 

Per tradition, I found a hammock to swing in, and I took a picture of my toes; barefoot, of course.  Some people don't appreciate that, but it's my little inside joke.  It started when I was in college, and the apartment we rented had a tiny backyard.  It was just a concrete pad, in fact.  But I had my hammock, and a kiddie pool, and planted flowers to grow up the fence.  My first barefoot toes picture is from that hammock.  It was my feeble attempt at paradise, even then.

Imagine the best summer ever- that soft, fresh nighttime smell, when everything lovely is in bloom; a warm breeze ruffles your hair, and nostalgia and goodness fill your heart.  That's what it smells like here.

A quote from Gary:  "You have to wake up slowly each day, move slowly, watch your surroundings unfold around you.  People plow into the day and scare away everything beautiful, or they move too fast to even see what's around them, or enjoy what they are waking up to." 

Before the end of the visit, he said he loves that I smile genuinely, and I seem to live vibrantly.  That is my goal- to live vibrantly.  He wanted pictures of my smile.  We ended up with a few funny short videos on accident with that.

being a mom and a daughter

I haven't wanted to write the last few days.  I am feeling emotional.  I miss my son so much- and even though I know he is loved and in good hands, and he knows how much I love him, I hate having him so far away.

I am also sad because my mother isn't well, and she is also so very far away.  We aren't close, never have been.  This makes my heart sad.  My heart swells with so much love for my son;  I can't even imagine having children and not wanting to know them.  I can't imagine a little one growing in my belly for so many months, birthing it, holding it, feeding it, falling in love this deeply, and leaving it a year or so later.  I can't imagine being mean to him, leaving him in the crib crying in an empty house while I went to the bar, leaving him in the car in the snow while I went inside to party.  I can't imagine anything EVER being more important to me than this this little one.  How does that happen?

Why does it feel, deep down, that I have failed as a child?  If my own mother couldn't love me, when mothers are genetically hardwired for eons to care for their children- how lovable can I possibly be? Can I love my son if I wasn't loved?  Can I end this cycle?  Even if I have no idea what I am doing, or how to be a good parent, or how to show love, will he feel loved?  I hope so.  I intend to spend my life getting it right.  Or at least better than my parents did.

I went to the school to volunteer in the first grade class room this morning.  They need more books!!  The kids were so excited to let me read them stories, and the loved it, and hugged me :)  Aaaw!  It was rewarding and fulfilling to be there, but then I felt melancholy for the rest of the day.  

This morning I was wakened to the sound of a woodpecker on the metal roof.  You'd think woodpeckers would be able to tell the difference between wood and metal?  And then we had a visit from Jehovah's witnesses, here at the little house.  That's funny to me!

Today I walked all the way to the post office and was so irritated; I forgot they are closed for lunch.  So I walked to the bank, and they were closed too.  Duh!  So I went swimming.  I still haven't received any mail here.

The only luxury I miss from home is popcorn.  I walked to three markets looking for an air popper.  They had no idea what I was talking about.  The language barrier at the Chinese store didn't help either.  When I said, "an appliance that cooks popcorn" they tried to sell me a microwave.  Sigh.

not supposed to question everything, right?

No wonder sometimes I am a sideways mess.  
I am not supposed to question everything.  I question everything.  
We have to fight.  For peace.
Love is not supposed to be the answer.  Love is the answer. (says the single girl)
I am weak (weaker sex, emotions, female).  I am strong.  
     Wait.  I feel weak.  I strongly feel that I might be weak.
Religion isn't where God is. 
Cells might be small universes.  Universes might be really big cells.
Our solar system might be located in some giant's large intestines. 
My son is wiser than my dad.
USA might be the enemy, or controlled by the enemy.
You might be the enemy.  
Or I might be the enemy.  I am a good girl.  Wait.  That's bad.  Good girl?
Sex is natural and normal.  Wait.  That's good, right?  Or would that be bad?
I am bad for questioning.
Sigh.
I need a smoke.   I don't smoke.  Cigarettes are legal, highly toxic, addictive, and deadly.
The illegal kind grows naturally and doesn't have chemicals in it.  
    Probably few deaths, not many dangerous side effects either.  But that's illegal.
Sigh.
Now I need two smokes.  And a nap.  And flouride.
I'm thinking too much again.  Rebel.