being a mom and a daughter

I haven't wanted to write the last few days.  I am feeling emotional.  I miss my son so much- and even though I know he is loved and in good hands, and he knows how much I love him, I hate having him so far away.

I am also sad because my mother isn't well, and she is also so very far away.  We aren't close, never have been.  This makes my heart sad.  My heart swells with so much love for my son;  I can't even imagine having children and not wanting to know them.  I can't imagine a little one growing in my belly for so many months, birthing it, holding it, feeding it, falling in love this deeply, and leaving it a year or so later.  I can't imagine being mean to him, leaving him in the crib crying in an empty house while I went to the bar, leaving him in the car in the snow while I went inside to party.  I can't imagine anything EVER being more important to me than this this little one.  How does that happen?

Why does it feel, deep down, that I have failed as a child?  If my own mother couldn't love me, when mothers are genetically hardwired for eons to care for their children- how lovable can I possibly be? Can I love my son if I wasn't loved?  Can I end this cycle?  Even if I have no idea what I am doing, or how to be a good parent, or how to show love, will he feel loved?  I hope so.  I intend to spend my life getting it right.  Or at least better than my parents did.

I went to the school to volunteer in the first grade class room this morning.  They need more books!!  The kids were so excited to let me read them stories, and the loved it, and hugged me :)  Aaaw!  It was rewarding and fulfilling to be there, but then I felt melancholy for the rest of the day.  

This morning I was wakened to the sound of a woodpecker on the metal roof.  You'd think woodpeckers would be able to tell the difference between wood and metal?  And then we had a visit from Jehovah's witnesses, here at the little house.  That's funny to me!

Today I walked all the way to the post office and was so irritated; I forgot they are closed for lunch.  So I walked to the bank, and they were closed too.  Duh!  So I went swimming.  I still haven't received any mail here.

The only luxury I miss from home is popcorn.  I walked to three markets looking for an air popper.  They had no idea what I was talking about.  The language barrier at the Chinese store didn't help either.  When I said, "an appliance that cooks popcorn" they tried to sell me a microwave.  Sigh.