today i learned...

This will be an ongoing post, with updates randomly.  Check back from time to time to see more about my adventures.

Today I learned:
* if you put $20 bill in the change machine at the laundromat, it sounds like you won the jackpot
* there is no way to make it feel exotic and fun to pay to do laundry at the laundromat
* I bought myself flowers today.  The wrapper reads, "market bunch daisies. non-edible."
* mascara is truly dry only after you sneeze (if you don't understand, ask a female)
* a sign at the post office reads, "no dogs allowed, except seeing eye dogs."  Who is this sign supposed to benefit?  The dog or the blind person?  Neither can read.

are you an Earth Angel?

 

I want to read this book!  I don't even know if it's a book yet.  But I just read the following information posted from a Light Worker (I aspire to be one) and I want to know more right now!!  Maybe the local library has this :)

Virtue, Doreen; Assertiveness for Earth Angels: How to Be Loving Instead of "Too Nice"

"Earth Angel is a term I use to describe people who:"

1. Are highly sensitive.
2. Have an innocence in their outlook on love and life, which others        may call naïve.
3. Believe in God’s loving power (but aren’t necessarily religious).
4. Are gentle and caring.
5. See the best in others, including their hidden potentials.
6. Are trusting and optimistic.
7. Have been taken advantage of by those who use the Earth                    Angels’ niceness for their own gain.
8. Have had painful relationship experiences, but still believe in              true love and friendship.
9. Cherish the magical parts of spirituality, such as manifestation,          unicorns, fairies, mermaids, and the like.
10. Feel called on a mission, with a sense of duty and stewardship         toward others, including strangers.
11. Want everyone to be happy.
12. Are unhappy when others are upset.
13. Believe in fairness.

Um, yes to all of the above.

I need more flouride please

Ok, that title is sarcasm.  Just in case it's a little confusing.

Reading labels infuriates me. The crap that companies have the gall to label shocks me.  Who knows what isn't labeled either?  Many people on the board of directors at Monsantos are also on the board of the FDA.  Truth in advertizing?  Truth in labeling?  Really??

I hate wondering if this apple is really healthier than this McCheezburger (or worse way to ask, which is less poisonous?)  One or both have pesticides, growth hormones, chemicals, grown in polluted water... One is served with processed white bread substance made with high fructose corn syrup,  added ketchup with more high fructose corn syrup. (relish has high fructose corn syrup too)

I started avoiding high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) because it really makes my stomach hurt- for days.  Later I researched and found out that it is a chemical.  Studies show it is more addictive than cocaine (which used to be in Coca Cola-  now there is high fructose corn syrup)  It also leads to obesity and diabetes, heart disease, liver damage, and mercury poisoning.  And apparently a stomach ache.

I truly don't know what to eat.  My son and I are on food stamps, so can't be too finicky on this budget.  Why do we have to pay extra for non-chemical, non-poisoned foods?  Why is organic and natural pricier, when in other countries, it's the norm?  Why is high fructose corn syrup in ketchup, jelly, pancake syrup, relish, bread, canned fruits, yogurt..... and we have to pay extra to get foods without it?

Because they don't want us healthy.  They want us fat and docile, super-sized and ignorant.  

Yesterday I laid my head on the counter and cried.  How do I know what is best for me and my son?  What foods will nourish him?  How do I explain these things without scaring the hell out of him or crushing his spirit?  (what if I am really crazy, and someday I end up in a remote cabin with a bunch of cats, yelling at trees about our corrupt world?)

I am more sensitive, more aware lately.  Maybe it's because I had the opportunity to leave the country for a while and experience something simpler and more natural.  Maybe I have started to question and am learning too much about the state of the world.  Maybe I don't have enough flouride in me these days to sedate me and make me passive.  (flouride is a sedative that is more toxic than lead.  Flouride is one of the main ingredients in pesticides, teflon, and soy infant formula; it is commonly added to city water, toothpaste, and most non-organic produce.  Flouride has been linked to lower IQs, infertility, autism, cancer, and hardening of the arteries.  It also numbs the hippocampus part of the brain, the third eye, the intuitive balanced connected part of the brain.    Coincidence?)

Baaaaah. (sheep noise here.)

Why aren't people outraged?  We are being poisoned!!  Slowly methodically poisoned!

Oh, that's right, even if people knew this, they wouldn't care because they are too sedated.  Wow.

friends

Recently I have been feeling so thankful and blessed with the people in my life.  It feels like I am meeting more and more beautiful people; especially women.  I used to be intimidated by new clients (queasy nervous sweaty palms nauseous even!)  I suppose it's really just my improved attitude that has changed, or I am drawing more love into my world because I am putting out more love...  But I have met some of the most beautiful, tender, strong, amazing ladies lately.  I am honored they trust me, confide in me, share time with me, make space in their tight budgets to come see me... wow!

Today it occurred to me that the beauty of new friends is that they truly see you for who you are now, not who you were when you were 9 or 19 or even 39 (you know, hypothetically... wink wink)

I've learned that sometimes long term friends or family have a hard time growing with you.  Either they can't be objective, or it scares them to see you changing. I don't know why.  But I am beginning to like who I am, how I feel. I like being genuinely me and not trying to smash and stretch myself to fit into other people's expectations.  (of course I always knew this theoretically, but it feels good to know and believe it and live it).

Maybe before~ I was afraid to grow.  Or afraid that deep down I wasn't good enough and people would discover that I was a terrible fraud. Or that I was someone dark and ugly, pretending to be good.  But now I am just trying to grin, shrug my shoulders, and be real. No pretense, no trying to fit other people's judgments, no apologies for being beautifully human and imperfect.  I have no idea how it's working in the big picture, but I sure am a lot happier.

this duality is difficult

I am having a hard time playing.  and being joyful and light.   Daily life- whew!!

"Responsibilities no longer seem relevant but are still necessary."  So true.

This daily existence feels heavy, exhausting, tedious.  I feel impatient and irritable with people, especially when they don't respect my time.  (I don't even want to be here, don't waste my time!)

Not my ego I hope, I'm not trying to judge.  I am different, and they don't even begin to get it.  It's exasperating to be around people.

I didn't have a NDE (near death experience) to begin my spiritual emergency.  I have never fit in, have always felt like an outsider.  Animals and babies love me, people are drawn to me because I am gentle and nurturing, but then the people trample me.  I can touch plants and they grow.  I want to become a healer, a lover, a musician, an artist, a writer, a dancer, an angel, a star seed.  For now I am feeling anti-social, cranky, and lonely.  

I've always known something was different, longed for more meaning, truth, love, connection--- like elves and trees, fairies, butterflies, all living in harmony and communicating with their hearts, part of a beautiful bigger heartbeat of the universe.

I don't know how to get there, but I'm on my way.

The dual-ness is difficult.  Daily tasks while I'm thinking about the big picture of the universe and infinity, all is love, everything is as it should be... Weeding when I want to be growing strawberries, working when I want to be swimming, working too many hours to barely get by and not enough time to grow my food... living in the city when I want to live in the forests, near a beach and warm ocean, barefoot, lots of stars.  Focusing on the present, I don't yet like the present.  

I like what will be.  I need to be joyful in the present, even though the present currently feels shallow and mundane.  Be in the present, and think about growing.

best book I have ever read (to date)

Eat, Pray, Love  by Elizabeth Gilbert

(Please please please go read this book for yourself.  My summary here won't do it justice, and I sincerely hope I do not insult the author by losing the magic of her writing by sharing my thoughts and her words here)

*****start of section in book*****

On chronicling the time elapsed between divorce, falling apart, losing everything, finding everything, and now, being free and alive...  

"My unhappy mind was a battlefield of conflicted demons... I told all my warring and confused parts the same thing:  we're all here together, guys, all alone.  And we're going to have to work out some kind of deal for how to get along, or else everybody is going to die together, sooner or later...."

...All emotions and pain is caused by words.  Find true silence to strip away the power of (negative) words... Then everything started coming up.  In that state of silence, there was room now for everything hateful, everything fearful, to run across my empty mind.  I felt like a junkie in detox, convulsing with the poison of what emerged.  I cried alot.  I prayed alot.  It was difficult and it was terrifying.  But this much I knew-  I never didn't want to be there...

and then healing...  "This is it" I said to my mind.  "This is your chance.  Show me everything that is causing you sorrow.  Let me see all of it.  Don't hold anything back."  One by one, the thoughts and memories of sadness raised their hands, stood up to identify themselves.  I looked at each thought, at each unit of sorrow, "It's ok. I love you.  I accept you.  Come into my heart now.  It's over." 

I would actually feel the sorrow (as if it were a living thing) enter my heart (as if it were an actual room).  Then I would say, "next?" and the next bit of grief would surface.  I would regard it, experience it, bless it, and invite it into my heart to. I did this will every sorrowful thought I'd ever had- reaching back into years of memory- until nothing was left.

Then I said to my mind, "show me your anger now."  One by one, my life's every incident of anger rose and made itself known.  Every injustice, every betrayal, every loss, every rage, I saw them all, one by one, and I acknowledged their existence.  I felt each piece of anger completely, as if it were happening for the first time, and then I would say, "come into my heart now.  You can rest there.  It's safe now.  It's over. I love you."  This went on for hours... and I swung between these mighty poles of opposite feelings, experiencing anger thoroughly for one bone rattling moment, and then experiencing total coolness, as the anger entered my heart as if through a door, laid itself down, curled up against its brothers, and gave up fighting.

Then came the most difficult part.  "Show me your shame." I asked my mind.  Dear God, the horrors that I saw then.  A pitiful parade of all my failures, my lies, my selfishness, jealousy, arrogance.  "Show me your worst," I said.  When I tried to invite these units of shame into my heart, they each hesitated at the door, saying, "No, you don't want me in there... don't know you know what I did?"  And I would say, "I do want you.  Even you.  I do.  Even you are welcome here.  It's ok.  You are forgiven. You are part of me.  You can rest now.  It's over."

When all this was finished, I was empty.  Nothing was fighting in my mind anymore.  I looked into my heart, at my own goodness, and saw its capacity.  I saw that my heart was not even nearly full, not even after having taken in and tended to all those calamitous urchins of sorrow and anger and shame; my heart could have easily received and forgive even more, its love was infinite.

I knew then that this is how God loves us all, receives us all... Because if even one broken and limited human being could experience even one such episode of absolute forgiveness and acceptance of her own self, then imagine-- just imagine!-- what God, in all his eternal compassion, can forgive and accept.

My heart said to my mind, "I love you.  I will never leave you.  I will always take care of you."  I think about the woman I have become lately, about the life that I am now living, and about how much I always wanted to be this person and live this life, liberated from the farce of pretending to be anyone other than myself.  I think of everything I have endured before getting here and wonder if it was me, I mean, this happy and balanced me--who pulled the other,  younger, more confused and struggling me forward during all those years. The younger me was the acorn full of potential, but it was the older me, the already-existent oak, who was saying the whole time, "yes- grow! change! evolve!  Come and meet me here, where I already exist in wholeness and maturity!  I need you to grow into me!"

Right here, right to this moment. Where I was always waiting in peace and contentment, always waiting for here to arrive and join me.

*****  end of section in book ********

I love this.  It rings truth, right into my soul.  I would like to be as wise and beautiful and eloquent and witty as the author.  I also would like her insight and wisdom, and I am getting there, slowly, each day, little by little.

I also love the idea of protecting myself, inviting all my flaws into my heart, and keeping them safe.  I had always wished for parents would would take care of me like that...  who would love me, nurture me, tend me, keep me safe.  Somehow I felt 'not good enough' since I never had that.  But that was their inadequacies, not mine, really.  So now the older me can nurture the younger me, and I shall treat me the way I wish to be treated.  How lovely :)

perfect puzzle piece

a grey puzzling world

I was trying to explain to my son the difficulties of "being different".  You don't want to lose who you are, or give in, just because it's easy, or because you are afraid to stand up for yourself.  Especially if you have spent most of your life wondering what is wrong with yourself, why can't you just behave and fit in?

But at the same time, you want to be respectful of others, not hurt feelings.  You want to feel like you are giving and doing what you can to make space better for those around you, when YOU are the one ruffling feathers by being odd.

why can't I fit in this spot?

No, I don't want a coke.  I don't want to watch tv.  I don't want a desk job.  I don't want McDonalds, or watch commercials, or go to bars, or to buy lots of things...  This is so upsetting to people, they furrow their brows in question, trying to reason in their minds what is wrong with me.   And since I care, it makes me feel bad that I am causing them confusion or uncomfort.

who I actually am

My son thought for a minute, and said, "well.  Maybe there is nothing wrong with you.  Maybe you are a perfect puzzle piece, and they are trying to smash you into the wrong spot."

Well said, little buddy!!

finding the right spot

boxing negative voices

Strange how something, such as a feeling or a voice, can rattle around in your head for years, and even IF you become aware of that little negative voice, you still have to wrestle it into silence.   I wonder why I even try to reason with it anyway?  Where did that self-sabatoging "self" come from?  How did it get in my head?  Who let it in?  or worse, invited it in?

A friend told me something so simple, yet profound.  An utter lightbulb, forehead slapping aha moment.   "That isn't YOUR voice.  It's someone else's, maybe your parents.  It doesn't belong to you, isn't part of you.  Its a rodent, a pest.  Don't let it run amok in your head.  Tell is to behave or it can't stay.  Tell that voice to be positive, or you will lock it up in a box in your head.  (figuratively)  Give it a time out."

Know what?  I love knowing that the negative voice doesn't belong in there, and the vivid visual image of taking that nasty intruder, grabbing it by the scruffy neck, and putting it in a dark box.  

Now that I am becoming aware of the negativity running amok in my head, I am learning to see the difference and am learning to separate my true self from those rodents who whisper and chatter.... "you aren't good enough... you messed up... you are a failure... you are unloveable... you are worthless... "   Negative rodents indeed--  I had a full infestation and needed an exterminator!!  

It's hard work, becoming aware of them, finding them, catching them, telling them to behave or get in their cages.  Or better yet, telling them they are at the wrong address, and are not welcome here.  GET OUT!! 

I don't want to lock up all the windows and doors of my heart, put brick walls around myself, to protect me from negative invader thoughts.  So maybe I shall consider putting up some screens, so the air and music, breeze and starlight, love and life, can still come in, and I can still move freely within myself. 

Its a big job, this extermination business.

world makeover

Know what I would like to see?  A reality show about a makeover- for the world.

All humanity, no government.  Wealth would be distributed fairly, people would work because they were passionate and not slaves.  All humans would share, relax, co-exist, a community, a village.  No wars or different nations.

Enough for all- money, food, happiness, joy, music, truth, health...

No chemicals, disease, poisoned foods.  Organic, fresh, and healthy would be the standard for all people, not just the fortunate, wealthy, or picky.

Media would be truthful and share the goal of spreading humanity and community.

Everybody would be content, satisfied, fulfilled, enriched, and whole, as part of the whole.

don't have to be perfect to change the world

Sometimes I am frustrated at how little I know.  How can I help make the world a better place, when I am just one small person?  How can I inspire others to live a better, more meaningful life, when I myself am flawed?

Then it occurred to me- I don't have to be perfect to change the world.  I just have to care.  And I do!

And I realized I don't have to reach out to everybody-- the half living, zoned out sheeple.  I just have to find ones that care, so we can put our flames together, make bigger splashes and ripples in the pond.  If I can find those that care, we can inspire each other to create change.

And there are a lot more good people in the world than bad.  So there is hope after all!

little watering can

My friend waters me. She is an angel.  We talked about this over lunch today, and it inspired me to write...

Some people don't know how to love or give.  You want to nurture them, love them, show them true friendship, love without conditions.  They take and don't appreciate it, they hurt you deeply.  And you doubt yourself, wondering what you do wrong, why your love isn't good enough.  Maybe it's not about you, or your worth.

Maybe they are dehydrated, their hearts have dried up from lack of watering.  Maybe their souls have never been tended, and here you are with a little watering can, loving them, and feeding them, tending their little seeds, wishing for leaves, and someday petals.  You can see it, you can see all the living, growing, breathing potential locked away in there.

Maybe it doesn't seem to make a difference, your little watering can.  Don't give up.  The whole world is filled with un-nurtured, malnourished, dried up little soul seeds.  Water when you can, where you feel it's needed.  Don't empty your watering can though- keep enough to replenish.

Allow others to water you, and share your water when it feels good. Some for me, some for you, and the ripples will spread out and make a difference.  You may not notice it right away, you may never see it.  But maybe that seed will start to unfold a little.  Maybe that seed will water another seedlet.

And it will make a difference after all.

awakening

 

I have been away, both physically (house sitting, away from my computer) and emotionally.  I am... waiting...  preparing... I feel something tremendous is about to happen.  Like James and the Giant Peach (for all of you who remember that amazing book from childhood).

The anticipation makes me dizzy, I feel in between worlds, in limbo... going through the motions with my body in the every day world, but in transition in my mental world.  I am growing from the inside out, or the outside in. I can't tell which.  Perhaps both at the same time?

Guess what?  I am awakening.  The world is beginning to awake too!  And I am part of it!!

 
All the goodness in the world is awakening, coming out of dormancy, like slumbering trees in the enchanted forest.  Not just the faeries, elves, and druids, but everything beautiful and good and pure, everything hopeful for humanity is awakening, yawning, stretching, coming alive, old and new pure spirits reaching out, touching fingers, smiling, then grinning, holding hands, as all goodness flows through each presence, flowing back and forth, in and out, in harmony, out to the universe. 

There is hope!  Goodness is alive and well in the land, and it is swelling and growing, it's warmth and light reaching all the dark corners of the earth.  We are all one, humanity.

 


The change is coming, peace is growing, freedom is spreading.  There is abundance for all to live and thrive.

You may think I am a hopeless romantic sap.  I'll show you :)

i am...

  

I am...  I am a free-spirit    a gypsy    light worker    tree hugger    star gazer    mermaid    stardust    love and light   a flower   a secret dancer in the moonlight    whimsical flower child...

 

I am harmony   delicate  strong    laughing    blushing   gentle    fluid    complex    chocolate   dewdrops    warm peach    artist   healer   writer   lover    nature girl....

Curly hair    wiggly toes    tan lines    dimples    rainbow moonstone on my heart finger    eyes open with curiosity and wonder  (and to quote my friend "with the exuberance and tact of a four year old")

 

I would live in a treehouse, under the stars and fireflies, sleep in a hammock, swing in the breeze, leafy lullaby in the branches under the moon- 

the trees would hug me back, surrounded by flowers and the sea... an orphan and child of the universe.

 

 

I feel everything, and it is good.

what do i wish for?

It is the super full moon tonight.  They say if you send out your desires to the universe during a full moon, it boosts your vibration frequencies and amplifies your wishes.  It's rather like breathing. Breathe out~ the full moon sends out your desires.  Breathe in~ the new moon pulls your desire for manifestation.  I'm not sure what that really means.  But I can send out desires to the universe.

 
What do I wish for?

I close my eyes and see myself floating on waves, ripples.  I am warm and safe, at peace.  I am sending out those waves in all directions, starting with a single water droplet, which sends out ripples of love and peace to all the world.  I see it rippling out, a rainbow of ripples growing into waves, rolling softly toward the horizon in all directions.

I picture it comforting people, giving hope. I sense it creates a connection with all humanity and greater life.  I picture people with malice having a change of heart, for the bigger purpose of love.

My waves join all the ripples from all good people around the world, creating good change.  My little ripples of love become bigger waves over time and distance, gathering strength and power from all that is good in the universe.  Each individual, small like me, creates bigger waves of love and peace.  As all the ripples meet around the world, the drops and riverlets intertwine like fingers clasping, holding hands of friends, gathering more strength.  


 
This goodness is spreading.  Love is gathering, joining hands, drawing the whole human family together, the angels, free-spirits, poets, lovers, musicians, wide-eyed children, wise aged ones with wrinkles, believers, dreamers, hippies, activists, truth seekers, star-seeds, tree-huggers, light workers, indigos and crystals, seers and peace keepers.




 

We are all holding hands as one, and our purpose is one~ love, light, truth.  Our ripples are gathering and becoming an ocean roar.  We stand united and strong, together in love.

my clumsy body

I am filled with words- thoughts, ideas, energy, music, and life.

But I struggle with my physical being.  I open my mouth and the thoughts come out jumbled, disconnected.

 

I hear the song, but my fingers can't play it right.  I feel the music, deeply resonating within me, but my clumsy body is heavy and awkward.  I can't move with it, dance with it.  The music dances inside me, I feel the rhythm, harmony, movement, but my feet trip.

In my last life I was perhaps a mermaid; fluid, graceful, smooth, moving like a symphony, singing in harmony with the waves... but here I have land legs.  I want to open my arms and share the energy, words, love.  But instead I say something dumb and walk into the wall.

blossoming

I would like to blossom like a flower. To gently push up through the earth toward the sun, carefully open up petal by petal, unwrapping, unfolding, uncovering, exposing the delicate colors of each petal to the sun.

I would breathe life from the earth, draw love from the warm ground, everything to sustain me would fill me up from the inside, and give me life, and I would breathe out that perfect healing sustaining love, back out into the world.

Breathing in love, breathing out love.  I would become a torus of love and good energy.  And that would be enough to change the world.

my all-time favorite soul happy song list

in no particular order...

Mad World-    Adam Lambert
One of these Things-    Nick Drake
Good Souls-    Starsailer
Gypsy-    Fleetwood Mac
Dog Days Are Over-    Florence and the Machines
Taxicab-    Vampire Weekend
Going to California-    Led Zeppelin
Poor Misguided Fools-    Starsailer
Don't Give Up-    Peter Gabriel
The Way of Love-    Charlie Peacock
Concerning the UFO Sighting-    Sufjan Stevens
Mushaboom-    Feist
You Don't Know Me-    Ben Folds
Book of Love-    Peter Gabriel
Love Cats-    The Cure
Here Comes the Sun-  Beatles
Least Complicated-    Indigo Girls
Hide and Seek-    Imogene Heap
Silent All These Years-    Tori Amos
To Wish Impossible Things-    The Cure
All My Love-    Led Zeppelin
Vanilla Sky-  Paul McCartney
Booty Swing-    Parov Stelar
Closer to Fine-    Indigo Girls
Heart's a Mess-    Gotye
How Soon is Now-    the Smiths
Ramble On-    Led Zeppelin
Fade Into You-    Mazzy Star
Empty-    Ray LaMontagne
Take a Chance on Me-    Erasure
Sing Along-    Blue Man Group
Try a Little Tenderness-    Otis Redding
New Slang-    the Shins
If I had $1000000-    Bare Naked Ladies
Listening Wind-    Peter Gabriel
Mariposa Libre-  Sting
Pink Houses-    John Cougar Melloncamp
Under African Skies-    Paul Simon
Knuckle Too Far-    James
Wish You Were Here-    Pink Floyd
Please Please Please-   the Smiths
Wish I Could-    Norah Jones
Danzan Solas-    Sting
Landslide-    Fleetwood Mac
Io-   This Time Around
Loose Ends-    Sinead Lohan
Dumbing Down of Love-    Frou Frou
I Can See Clearly Now-    Johnny Nash
Diamonds on the Souls of Her Shoes-    Paul Simon
Walk Away-    the Cousins
Crazy-    Bare Naked Ladies
Diving to be Deeper-    Sinead Lohan
Be Here Now-    Ray LaMontagne
Tie Up My Hands-    Starsailor
Catgroove-    Parov Stelar
No Rain-    Blind Melon
I Love You-    Bare Naked Ladies
Have a Little Faith-    John Hyatt
Lullaby-   the Cure
Stone and a Feather-    Hoyt Axton
Positively Lost Me-    the Rave Ups
Mad About You-    Sting
Ice cream-    Sarah McLachlin
Oh Draw Me Lord-    Selah
Sittin on the Dock of the Bay-    Otis Redding
Me and Bobby McGee-  Janis Joplin
She Moves On-    Paul Simon
Sinkin Soon-    Norah Jones
My Moon My Man-    Feist
Say it to Me Now-    Swell Season
All I Want is You-    Juno Soundtrack
Can't Run But-    Paul Simon
I Would Walk 500 Miles-  Proclaimers
Sweet Jane-    Cowboy Junkies
Sometimes-    James
Come to Jesus-    Mindy Smith
Fool on the Hill-   Beatles
One-    U2
Gypsy Moth-    Hoyt Axton
Drown Out-    Swell Season
Crystal Blue Persuasion-    Tommy James and the Shondells
Peekaboo-    Siouxsie and the Banshees
Three More Days-    Ray LaMontagne
Emily's Song-    Moody Blues
Clint Eastwood-    Gorillaz
Don Quixote-    Gordon Lightfoot
Drifting Away-    Faithless
Personal Jesus-    Depeche Mode
Our House-   Crosby Stills Nash and Young
Because-   Beatles
Hallelujah-    Rufus Wainwright
All My Tears-    Selah
Holding Out for a Hero-  Frou Frou
In the Mood-    Robert Plant
Somebody-    Depeche Mode
Creep-    Radiohead
Thank You-    Led Zeppelin

you never really can go home

my childhood fav spot :(

This week I took my son to my favorite place from when I was growing up.  It's just down the hill from my parent's house, and an easy bike ride from there, maybe a quarter of a mile.  There was a little dirt path that went through ponds and creeks, until it all met at the river.  It was lush, green, a haven.

ugly freeway

One day they paved it to meet up with the greenbelt.   The greenbelt follows the river for about 21 miles in town.  It was designed for bicyclers and commuters. Luckily, this little offshoot was still a secret to most people, and even 5 years ago it was still a sacred safe spot to be in nature, even when they built the highway connector that goes right past it. 

pile of trees

But today-  wow!  Not only paved, but someone put up a chainlink fence on both sides, with razor wire no less!  To my horror, I saw they tore down the trees, dammed the water.  

 

now dams, once lush and beautiful

Wow.  I can't even imagine what business decided that was better than a beautiful spot near the river.  I had to blink back tears look through ugly chainlink, a view of what was once my own little paradise.  

 

train trestle

Thankfully, the view got better as we passed the train trestle to the river.  They haven't made the river illegal yet.   And the sign says you can still jump from the bridge down into the deep water, as long as you don't land within 50 feet of people floating in the water.

good swimming spot

 We walked along the greenbelt and found a nice place to picnic and wade in the water.  The river is so icy cold that we argued how many hours ago that same water was fresh snow.   I googled how cold the river is this time of year.  Even on a hot sunny 90 degree day, the water is only 41 degrees.  Yipe!! 

it is still pretty here

view of river

i tried so hard to fit in boxes

the lake near our house, at sunset

I was very sad to leave paradise.  I was beyond very sad, actually.  I didn't know how to come back and be a good American.  I don't fit in here, I never have.  I am doing better as a grown up, but only because I hide it better.  Now it's harder to hide it... my disdain for consumerism, tv, chemicals, shoes, roads, cars, the lack of connection, nature, humanity.  I believed I was going to curl up and die a few weeks ago; just weep salty tears until my body depleted itself, dissolved and disappeared.  

so pretty

I asked for the universe to fill me with love, and it did.  I am on a path, once again, of discovery and wonder, seeking beauty and truth.  We have been trying to adventure here, find places of beauty near us, and yes, to be barefoot.  I have been taking pictures to remind us that beautiful places are here as well.

I love the colors

Maybe it will be ok after all.  I just read a quote, "the most wonderful people are those who don't fit in boxes."  I used to be disappointed that I didn't fit in boxes. I tried so hard to fit in, to care about the same things those around me did, to not ask questions, to sit at a desk and have a "real job".  

But I always itched for something more real, more genuine, more meaningful.  I am certain my parents are still disappointed in me.  I realize I will never make them proud, not doing anything I am passionate about anyway.  They simply do not understand me.  I think I am ok with that, because finding my place in the world feels right.

and the silo in the background

Learning that adventures outside, being barefoot... being outside in nature, especially being near water,  helps me think more clearly, more free... feels like a balm.  Physically going to the mountains or lake (or paradise) helps my spirit and mind adventure too.  Being outside  of the box helps me think outside of the box.

I need to sleep under the stars.  I don't even own a tent these days (sold everything we had to get to go on our adventure).  Wondering if a tent would be a good investment, so I can go camping more?  A tent with all windows and screens so I can see the stars.  But then... why a tent at all?  (bugs of course!!)

okay, i guess it's almost paradise here

Payette River near Lowman

We went for a drive today to find hot springs.  Being outside and in nature is good for my soul.  I forget how beautiful it is, just an hour out of town.  The sky is blue, it's a sunny day, everything is beautiful.  I needed this.

bath house in the forest

view of hot springs and the river

hot springs pouring over into the river

yes, I'll sit here for the day :)

still sitting here :)

looking back the other direction

a deer!

closer pic of the deer

I would picnic in this spot

Snake River near Marsing

On another day, we adventured in a different direction.  It's still good to get out of town, and I do love the river.  Too bad it's so damn cold!  How can I swim in this?  This was snow water 2 hours upstream.  My toes are swearing at me already...  But I'm still grinning :)

my son, the fisherman

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It is pretty, and smells lovely here