it takes guts to turn off your tv and live for real

First time I admitted out loud that I am proud to be clueless and uninformed.  I don't want to be ruled by fear.  I must protect my heart and keep it alive, full of hope.  Media feeds us lies of fear, separation, disconnection, hopelessness.  It keeps us isolated, complacent, and like strangers.  

I need us to be alive, connected, family, brothers and sisters, breathing the same air of the heartbeat of the planet.

Maybe it's naive, or weak to stay out of media and news and politics and world news.

I think it's weak to unlive, complacently, shallow, superficial "living".  It takes guts to risk being authentic and real, connecting with other people, turn off the tv, experience life for real, thinking your own thoughts, traveling your own journeys and adventures (with your own feet, not watching from a sofa), to take off your shoes and feel the earth.  

Yes this is raw and real.

prayer for hope

I don't understand what any of this means.  I don't understand the connection between good and bad, between mean people and good people.  I guess I am meant to be here because I'm here.  But it's painful.  All of it.  So terribly painful.

I only know enough to know there's meaning, but none of it makes sense.  

Please keep me safe, and my son too.  Please keep us both safe.  Please don't let anyone without unconditional love into our hearts.  Please guide us to good people, to healthy people, so we don't get lost or trampled.  Please give me wisdom to know which battles to fight and which to let go.  Please keep our hearts pure and not hateful.  Please give me strength to keep going.  Please give me hope that it's worth it.

how do i know what's good for me?

So the question of the day...

I am certain the universe will provide for me everything I need and probably desire.  I am also certain that I can manifest pretty well, almost at magic levels.  But I have to be careful, because I can manifest things that aren't in my best interest.  

How do I know what is in my best interest?  How do I know what is best for me?  How do I know what is best in the long term, for my higher good?  How do I know what is selfish and seems needy, that it isn't deeper than that?  What feels like deep love isn't just... being needy?  If I knew the rules or what was best...  and nobody can know.  And waiting and wishing is terribly difficult.  

I don't want to force the wrong things, just because they feel right.  I can't see into the future, or the big picture of before I got here and after I go.  I hardly understand my own thoughts, feelings, and needs.  I will try to listen and be patient.  

Universe, please guide me to listen and be soft.  To learn the lessons I need to, to become who I am meant to become, to remember all I need to know, and be love.  

autumn sad

Today is equinox.  It's supposed to be a time of balance, harmony, reaping the benefits of all our hard work.  I spent some time considering what to send out to the universe and what to be grateful for.  I want to wish for abundance, even if it feels greedy to say that.  Abundance for all the ways I share and help others.  Abundance would allow me to do even more, and the peace of mind not to be as stressed and tired.

Fall is sad to me.  Autumn.  Every year it feels like the end, as though everything is dying.  Nothing truly dies of course, I know this

at some level.  Everything slows down, even energy seems to vibrate slower, hibernating.

I don't know which is more lonesome for me, being around people, or being alone. I want to go home, and I don't know where home is.  A before this life home?  Someplace (or every place) that feels deep, rich on many levels, not empty or shallow and heavy like earth.

I am trying to remember to ground, plug in...the days go so fast, so much to do, I don't have time to reflect and write, garden, walk, sing... 

This is not the life I want.  I want more love, light, air, earth, stars, time, floating and swinging in the hammock, swimming, sunning, more time to find joy.

I feel far away from Source, from the universe, from connected, divine, truth.  I miss the warmness of awareness, the light floating of all space, being inside out and outside in, all is one, near is far and far is near, all at once.  That place where everything makes sense in truth.

I really am trying to be grateful here in this time, in this life... but it feels oh so empty comparitively.  How do I connect and bring it inside me?  Remember the all and light without feeling homesick?

it's all in my hands

Many synchronicities.  This is fun :)

S brought home a palm reading book.  He was looking for books on magic and the librarian referred him to the section of the library that has palm reading books.  We poured through the book in depth, read each others lines, studied the charts.

I met someone I already know recently, we can't figure out how we know each other.  Turns out she is a palm reader, and a Medicine Woman.  I am fascinated.

She read my palms today.  She confirmed all the lines S and I found, and more.  She says I am a healer, intuitive, psychic, old soul, resourceful, wise, artistic, gentle, empath, incredibly strong, tough childhood, survivor, I have guides and guardian angels, I'm pretty much good at anything I want to be, I am passionate, love deeply, have markings of an orphan (no connection at all to my birth family), am a Divine Goddess and spiritual seeker.  Hmm.  That's a lot.  

I liked her touching my hands. 

orphan and child of the universe

I used to feel like I didn't fit it. 
I have always felt like an outsider.
Like I don't belong.
Last night I realized I belong everywhere,
especially outside, in nature.
My home is under the stars.
An orphan and a child of the universe.

"As above, so below
and without, and within
I am, I am, I am
we are, we are, we are
one, one, one."

"Thank you for returning to me
that which is rightfully mine.
I am eternally grateful."

We were on the way to Whale Medicine Wheel.
Leaving the wheel, going back to the main road, we arrived in just a few minutes,
less than half the time it took us to go the other direction.
We stopped the car, looked around, confused, and both acknowledged we didn't know how that happened. It felt like time travel. 

Just when you need a sign from the universe that there is something bigger and more magnificent going on, there is a sign.

toxic baggage stew in my belly

Dear Universe-
I have baggage in my belly,
holding in everything negative.
Emotions, memories, fears, pain,
all this stew to protect my fragile little child self inside.
It feels like pollution to let it out,
so I have always stuffed it in.
It's stew really,
made from toxic bits others have given me.
Guilt, shame, violence, fears, pain bodies.
None of it serves me.
I don't want to trudge it around anymore.
How can I release it?
Please show me how to let it go without guilt
for not holding it in.
"I am responsible for the energy I release in the world."
Dear Mother Earth and Angels,
please help me release everything that doesn't serve me
and holds me back and causes me pain...
everything negative in my belly, my pain body, my memories...
help me let it all go.
Help me turn it into something beautiful and healing and loving
as it floats away.

who can take as much as i give...

This song sums up how I feel about a love partner.

"I want someone who can take as much as I give; 

and give back as much as I need, and still have the will to live."

~Indigo Girls

I do want someone who honors me, treats me as well as I treat them, who gives as much as I do, even if in different ways, who makes me feel special and important in their world.  Love fiercely, stand up for each other, bring out the best in each other and also let each other be free to be their own person.

I give people too much benefit of the doubt.  I don't want to take more than I give, but I often end up giving until I am depleted, for very little in return.  I deserve to be treated well.

I like the quote "someone will hold me so tight that all of my broken pieces will stick back together" and I also want them to let me be free to blossom.

It's possible.