what if this is all i ever am?

What if I can't outrun my thoughts?  Even when I keep going, my mind still goes faster, processing, questioning, thinking, doubting, debating, growing, stretching lists, tasks, schedules, meaning, the world... all at the same time.

What if, no matter how much I do, it's not enough to make a difference?  What if I'm busy being a mom, working, doing chores (background stuff) and that's all I ever do?  Is that enough?  For who?  God?  Is the energy spent there just as important as important as energy spent other ways?  I will never ever make my birth parents proud.  Will I make my son proud?  Or me?  What if this is all I ever am?

What if I never fill up this empty space in myself, no matter how much I give, because nothing can never fill up being an unloved, unwanted, vulnerable child?  What if I can help others, but not myself?  What if I can love and lift others up, but I fear I will be alone when I need it?  What if I always need to be lifted up because I don't know how to do it myself?  What if nobody cares anyway?  How can I believe in love and giving when I have no role models or examples of it?  How can I be strong when I am hiding the scared, abandoned, unloved little child inside me?  How can I be a worthy mom, when I never had one?  How can I inspire and heal women when I am myself just a fragile child?  How can I be a strong safe place for women, when I myself need a safe place?  And be reassured that all will be well... all is well...

The most important roles in the world- being a woman and being a mom- and I am hopelessly painfully ill-equipped to do either.  Yet I dream to do do more.  Silly girl.

This human-being thing is messy and complicated.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  I know what I want to be though--  a strong woman, a worthy mom, and an inspirer to change the world in good ways.  

Today I cried.  And cleaned the bathroom, did some dishes, prepared dinner for my son, cried on my journal... Not even close to my ideal yet.  Maybe God (or divine or universe) appreciates effort, even if I'm doing it all wrong?  Boy I hope so.

when i run the world

I had a rough day.  Meaning I am worried about others, I have a cold, I needed a nap, but I tried to do too much.  I backed over a curb in the snow and got stuck, then burst into tears when I had to call my dad for help (who was at the library with my son, for their Tuesday Mcds-piano-library date).  I asked him not to laugh at me because I already felt pretty stupid.  He laughed anyway, and in retrospect, it is rather amusing.  How could a cold make me feel so yucky and whiny?  

It's not really the cold.  It's that I am worried about people I love.

My foster mom had heart surgery this year and now they are worried about an aneurism.  My cousin has brain damage and neuropathy from almost 5 years of chemo and brain cancer, but they won't approve her disability.  My dear friend is having a hysterectomy soon and doesn't know how to "afford cancer"and still feed her daughter.  She makes $20 a year too much to qualify for food stamps.  One of my client's sons has been in a coma for a week.  

Really?  What kind of a world is this, where a mom has to choose between paying for cancer surgery and feeding her daughter??  Where my cousin can't work for almost 5 years because of chemo and brain damage, but doesn't qualify for assistance of any kind?   Health and food should be a given, a human right, not just for the wealthy.  Healthcare, clean water, and nutritious food should not be luxuries for the rich.

When I run the world, nobody will worry about money or being sick.  And hugs for all.   And so it is.

**update since I journaled this a year ago:  My foster mom is doing well, healing nicely.  They finally approved my cousin's disability, and her cancer has retreated.  My friend is healing from first cancer and hysterectomy, and then kidney cancer and kidney removal surgery.  Friends have raised money and pitched in to help her financially, because that what good people do. 

wrinkle in time

Tonight we watched the movie "A Wrinkle in Time"  That book was one of my all time fav books, even though I don't remember much about it now (gee, it has been a few years...)

So many details that slipped my memory, but I wonder how much the book influenced me at a deeper subconscious level at a young age...  about believing in more!  Science, time and space travel, protective light-angel beings, wisdom of innocence, life on other planets, good winning over evil, playing to your own beat (not tuning into the controlling mind-numbing beat)

What I had forgotten is that it's magnificent to be different, smart, unique, magical... a strong girl.

The movie ending astounded me.  I don't even know now if it's the same as the book.  The light beings from the 4th dimension, the protective angel beings, were female, and represented consciousness, good energy, and light.  Wow!  I don't remember that detail from reading the book in my childhood, but I certainly do believe it, and always have wanted to believe this.

And!!  Love is the answer!  Your flaws are your strengths, be the best you, and you will find your strength.  And it's love...