what if this is all i ever am?

What if I can't outrun my thoughts?  Even when I keep going, my mind still goes faster, processing, questioning, thinking, doubting, debating, growing, stretching lists, tasks, schedules, meaning, the world... all at the same time.

What if, no matter how much I do, it's not enough to make a difference?  What if I'm busy being a mom, working, doing chores (background stuff) and that's all I ever do?  Is that enough?  For who?  God?  Is the energy spent there just as important as important as energy spent other ways?  I will never ever make my birth parents proud.  Will I make my son proud?  Or me?  What if this is all I ever am?

What if I never fill up this empty space in myself, no matter how much I give, because nothing can never fill up being an unloved, unwanted, vulnerable child?  What if I can help others, but not myself?  What if I can love and lift others up, but I fear I will be alone when I need it?  What if I always need to be lifted up because I don't know how to do it myself?  What if nobody cares anyway?  How can I believe in love and giving when I have no role models or examples of it?  How can I be strong when I am hiding the scared, abandoned, unloved little child inside me?  How can I be a worthy mom, when I never had one?  How can I inspire and heal women when I am myself just a fragile child?  How can I be a strong safe place for women, when I myself need a safe place?  And be reassured that all will be well... all is well...

The most important roles in the world- being a woman and being a mom- and I am hopelessly painfully ill-equipped to do either.  Yet I dream to do do more.  Silly girl.

This human-being thing is messy and complicated.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  I know what I want to be though--  a strong woman, a worthy mom, and an inspirer to change the world in good ways.  

Today I cried.  And cleaned the bathroom, did some dishes, prepared dinner for my son, cried on my journal... Not even close to my ideal yet.  Maybe God (or divine or universe) appreciates effort, even if I'm doing it all wrong?  Boy I hope so.