this duality is difficult

I am having a hard time playing.  and being joyful and light.   Daily life- whew!!

"Responsibilities no longer seem relevant but are still necessary."  So true.

This daily existence feels heavy, exhausting, tedious.  I feel impatient and irritable with people, especially when they don't respect my time.  (I don't even want to be here, don't waste my time!)

Not my ego I hope, I'm not trying to judge.  I am different, and they don't even begin to get it.  It's exasperating to be around people.

I didn't have a NDE (near death experience) to begin my spiritual emergency.  I have never fit in, have always felt like an outsider.  Animals and babies love me, people are drawn to me because I am gentle and nurturing, but then the people trample me.  I can touch plants and they grow.  I want to become a healer, a lover, a musician, an artist, a writer, a dancer, an angel, a star seed.  For now I am feeling anti-social, cranky, and lonely.  

I've always known something was different, longed for more meaning, truth, love, connection--- like elves and trees, fairies, butterflies, all living in harmony and communicating with their hearts, part of a beautiful bigger heartbeat of the universe.

I don't know how to get there, but I'm on my way.

The dual-ness is difficult.  Daily tasks while I'm thinking about the big picture of the universe and infinity, all is love, everything is as it should be... Weeding when I want to be growing strawberries, working when I want to be swimming, working too many hours to barely get by and not enough time to grow my food... living in the city when I want to live in the forests, near a beach and warm ocean, barefoot, lots of stars.  Focusing on the present, I don't yet like the present.  

I like what will be.  I need to be joyful in the present, even though the present currently feels shallow and mundane.  Be in the present, and think about growing.