human compassion must be the antidote

I am lonesome.  There is so much evil in the world.  Intolerance, hatred, greed, cruelty.  I want to deeply believe  that good will prevail, that love is the answer.  I want to send out good energy, but I'm just one little person.  How can I make a difference, when I am surrounded by people who don't understand, and I become depleted with energy going out, and not enough coming back to replenish me?

Words seem trite tonight.  My heart aches with awareness of injustices but I don't know what to do about it.  It's difficult not to get lost and consumed by the immensity of evil, the vastness and emptiness of hatred in the world.  If love is the answer, then I need love in my world.  If human compassion will be the antidote to evil, then I need compassion and connection in my world, so I can reflect it out to the earth.  Maybe I feel hopeless right now, my light has gone out.  

I try to reflect on my blessings and be thankful for all I have.  But I'm still sad for all I don't have, all I have lost, and all the sadness in the world that I can do nothing about.

I asked the universe...

So many changes this year.  I have been betrayed by some I didn't expect, and again by people who have betrayed me my entire life (my parents mostly) and new people as well.  It's painful to realize that some things haven't changed and my parents still disappoint me and can make me feel like a small, scared child again.  I would like to say I don't need them, but deep down, I feel heartbroken all over again, an orphan.  Secretly, I wonder... If my own parents can't love me, how can anyone else?

But maybe, just maybe, I don't really need them, and I can be loveable and beautiful in my own right, regardless of their ugliness.

I am telling myself today that I am strong.  I am asking the universe to provide for me everything I need to be safe and happy and at peace.  I am asking to feel complete, not broken.

Random scribbles in my journal from previous years that seem relevant today:

There is strength in your brokenness.

You are strong where you feel week.

In your brokenness, complete.

Fear:  we want to keep safe.

Love: we already are safe.

 

I see with love. I think with love.

I move in love.  I live as love.

Love is me.  I am love.  ~Kidest Om

I am not perfect. Perfectly human.  Beautifully imperfect.

This week I prayed for love.  I asked the great universe to take care of me, protect me.  I prayed for the energy of the earth to give me everything I need to survive and heal and grow, to feel loved and peace.  And I felt it.

goodbye house

dogwood

backyard 2012

clematis and honeysuckle

peony

I want to grow, heal, learn, expand, enjoy... but I am also scared, vulnerable, and want to feel safe.  I want to believe in love.  I am trying to be easier to love.  That is part of my  journey this year, finding what's good in me and around me. 

peony and geraniums

my fav spot in the yard :)

It is strange to be back in our home town, but not in our house.   I keep thinking about what is blooming now.  When S was very small, we started a tradition of adventuring in our yard.  We would wander about together, holding hands, discovering what was budding, sprouting, poking up out of the earth.  

clematis

lillies

We treated it like a birthday, all the presents to find that were just for us!  And I guess, in a way, it was a birthday for each of the buds and plants..

roses

clematis on the pergola

We had planted so many things over the years.  Many were starts from friends, so our landscaping was pieced together with the love of others, leftovers, transplants, cuttings, recycling and sharing.  Hydrangeas, dogwood, plum tree, pear tree, poppies, strawberries, artichoke, grapes, iris, hyacinth, crocus, lilacs, tulips, yucca, virginia creeper, pussy willow, loganberries, hostas, clematis, wisteria, echinacea, daisies, peonies...   

lillies

honeysuckle

Every year I brought the outer edges of the yard further in, replacing grass with plants.We wanted the yard to be lush, green, a haven of life and living.  I think we will be able to do that again, with time, somewhere else.  I hope the new owners love it as much as we did, and appreciate all the plants that come up each year.

loganberries

from my yard

Goodbye house, goodbye yard.  We will miss you.

our first pear!

2005

2012

doctor kid

I had a very sad day.  A hide under the covers and try to sleep through it and wake up next week kind of sad day.  I hate it when my son sees me sad.  On the other hand, I realize I am human, and run the whole gamut of emotions.  I want him to know that it's normal, to have different emotions, and that how you feel is ok; it's truth.  

I didn't have words to tell him what was going on.  I couldn't even explain to myself the complexities of my emotions today.  He intuited most of it, bless his heart, he's a smart kid.  Sometimes we communicate without words, and he understands my heart.  I find it especially delightful, because we really understand each other, and yet he is so very different than me.   

So the wisdom of a ten year old.  He guessed I had been indoors too long and needed to be outside.  He prescribed me a hug, a walk, and a dose of swinging in the park.  Profound, little one :)

the park

he swings too

pink rain?

higher!!

not damaged, but alive

I am having a rough week.  I am not adjusting well to being inside so much, or driving.  I miss the warmth, and the beach, and the free feeling of the village.  People there were not full of judgment the way people here are.  Nor did they expect so much out of people, they just allowed everyone to be free, and themselves, and shared the joy.

We are all, every one of us, damaged.  It's from being alive, living, loving, falling, learning, trying, failing, adventuring, trying again, healing, hurting, crying, growing...  I try not to look at it as damaged.  I try to see it as being alive.  But some days we all feel damaged in some way or another.

Someone very dear to me tonight wrote me, "Lay your head down tonight and know you are loved." I don't think anyone has every said something so sweet, genuine, and loving to me.  It totally ruined my perfectly shitty mood.  I went from feeling sorry for myself, pathetic, puffy swollen eyes and snot bubbles, to feeling  a little bit of a smile.  Then a little warmth in my heart.  And love, and hope.  Not for anything specific, but hope in general, that everything will be better. 

He reminded me that paradise is in our minds and in our hearts, we are all there, space is no time.  He also reminded me to stay strong, not to stifle, speak my mind, stretch, live.  I can't feel it right now though.  I can't close my eyes and feel the joy of paradise in my mind.  I lost it somehow, coming back.  I promised I wouldn't lose it, and promised to keep it alive in my heart, every day, bring paradise back with me and grow it within me and I would grow with it too.

All the walls here--- physically and metaphorically, stifle me.  I can't connect, can't feel the earth, the air, energy of life.  I can't feel love from here.  I am wearing shoes, and can't feel mother earth through the buildings, or cement, through closed windows and doors, floors and ceilings.  Help-  I am locked inside, losing air, feeling stifled and sad.

But sometimes, someone even far away, knows your heart, knows when to send love, and can blow a breeze, send a throught, that will ruffle the curtains on your shuttered up windows, and let the sun peek in... and you know you are not alone, and you feel love.

reflections on the first week back

I have been back for almost a week.  It has been a blur, starting the first day with car insurance so I could drive to the bank.  But I couldn't pay for the car insurance til I went to the bank.  Then I had to put fuel in the car too.  And all the errands!!!  Ugh!  I simply hate driving; I always have.  It's weird to me now to have to drive everywhere. Has anybody measured how much time they spend in their cars, as opposed to walking?  I had really hoped to get by without a car here, but this city is just not designed for that. 

Some people are still not speaking to me.  Others are happy I am back, and have made me feel loved and appreciated.  I have missed my clients, who are almost all friends by now after so many years.  Now my heart overflows with love for them, and gratitude for their patience and loyalty.

They asked, "Had you lost your mind?  Drugs?  Drunk?  Coerced?"  No.  I was entirely sober, no excuses.  My son and I made all the choices together, given all of our options.  We asked each other what would we regret least at the end of our lives?  No regrets, the trip was very worth it.  (had my people read my blog, they would have known every day that we were ok!!)

I reminded them that I have always been very well-behaved, and was an obedient and rather boring teenager.  They said, "But nobody runs away when they are in their (late) 30s!!"  Probably not.  Most people self medicate, or self destruct, or have a nervous breakdown.  We went on an extended vacation.  Seemed like a good choice to us.

I woke up sad today.  It's inexplicable to me.  I spent yesterday with people who love me, doing hair, pampering ladies I love. I got hugs from 6 ladies, all moms and children, each happy to see me.  Why would I wake up sad?

I have a lovely, perfect place to stay here.  I am safe, money is starting to come in, I am near my son.  The sky is blue, spring is coming, flowers are beginning to bud...  but it's cold out.  Too cold for a bike ride, no warm sand, no warm water. But I did get a bike, so it's a start.

Am I just in travel shock?  Is it too much change?  or drama?  Am I scared?  or lonesome?  I do miss feeling blissful and content.  I miss being outside.  I miss one of my best friends (even though I have many dear friends here).  I don't want to be sad now.

letter to my son

tiny plane, cloudy skies, lots of tears

Dear Son,

I am writing you this letter, while sitting for hours on this plane, waiting anxiously and excited to see you.  Oh so excited to see you!!

it's so pretty

When the plane took off into the air, my heart leaped into the air too, off the ground, a little closer to you already.

goodbye paradise :(

And then the tears came... happiness to see you, I have missed you so much.  Tears for memories of our adventures together, that only we share.  Tears for the adventures I have missed with you in the last few weeks.  More tears, sadness for changes and losses this last year.  Tears looking forward to giggling with you soon.  Tears for goodbye paradise.

the jungles that we didn't visit this trip

Thank you for knowing my heart, for knowing I would never leave you or stop loving you.  I am homesick, and adventures aren't the same without you.  I am homesick for hugs, and can't wait to see you.

love,
mom