reflections on the first week back

I have been back for almost a week.  It has been a blur, starting the first day with car insurance so I could drive to the bank.  But I couldn't pay for the car insurance til I went to the bank.  Then I had to put fuel in the car too.  And all the errands!!!  Ugh!  I simply hate driving; I always have.  It's weird to me now to have to drive everywhere. Has anybody measured how much time they spend in their cars, as opposed to walking?  I had really hoped to get by without a car here, but this city is just not designed for that. 

Some people are still not speaking to me.  Others are happy I am back, and have made me feel loved and appreciated.  I have missed my clients, who are almost all friends by now after so many years.  Now my heart overflows with love for them, and gratitude for their patience and loyalty.

They asked, "Had you lost your mind?  Drugs?  Drunk?  Coerced?"  No.  I was entirely sober, no excuses.  My son and I made all the choices together, given all of our options.  We asked each other what would we regret least at the end of our lives?  No regrets, the trip was very worth it.  (had my people read my blog, they would have known every day that we were ok!!)

I reminded them that I have always been very well-behaved, and was an obedient and rather boring teenager.  They said, "But nobody runs away when they are in their (late) 30s!!"  Probably not.  Most people self medicate, or self destruct, or have a nervous breakdown.  We went on an extended vacation.  Seemed like a good choice to us.

I woke up sad today.  It's inexplicable to me.  I spent yesterday with people who love me, doing hair, pampering ladies I love. I got hugs from 6 ladies, all moms and children, each happy to see me.  Why would I wake up sad?

I have a lovely, perfect place to stay here.  I am safe, money is starting to come in, I am near my son.  The sky is blue, spring is coming, flowers are beginning to bud...  but it's cold out.  Too cold for a bike ride, no warm sand, no warm water. But I did get a bike, so it's a start.

Am I just in travel shock?  Is it too much change?  or drama?  Am I scared?  or lonesome?  I do miss feeling blissful and content.  I miss being outside.  I miss one of my best friends (even though I have many dear friends here).  I don't want to be sad now.

letter to my son

tiny plane, cloudy skies, lots of tears

Dear Son,

I am writing you this letter, while sitting for hours on this plane, waiting anxiously and excited to see you.  Oh so excited to see you!!

it's so pretty

When the plane took off into the air, my heart leaped into the air too, off the ground, a little closer to you already.

goodbye paradise :(

And then the tears came... happiness to see you, I have missed you so much.  Tears for memories of our adventures together, that only we share.  Tears for the adventures I have missed with you in the last few weeks.  More tears, sadness for changes and losses this last year.  Tears looking forward to giggling with you soon.  Tears for goodbye paradise.

the jungles that we didn't visit this trip

Thank you for knowing my heart, for knowing I would never leave you or stop loving you.  I am homesick, and adventures aren't the same without you.  I am homesick for hugs, and can't wait to see you.

love,
mom

money and the American Dream

Ok, I did NOT learn this in school.  This is fascinating!! (and scary). 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGk5ioEXlIM

mid life crisis?

quiet beach

I was thinking. Again.  Actually, I never stop thinking, and sometimes I have twelve thoughts and inner dialogues at the same time.  But this particular thought~ some people take sabbaticals and travel.  Some become missionaries.  Some travel Europe and stay in youth hostels, carrying just a backpack.  Some go south every winter.  Some travel in the military, some for their careers.

more quiet beach

I am traveling now.  Maybe I just wanted an excuse for an adventure.  Maybe I am having a(n) early mid life crisis.  Maybe it's a nervous breakdown.  Maybe I should ask the doctor for some meds so I will want to sit at a desk job and work 8-5 pm.  Maybe I've lost my mind (I don't hear any voices though, just birds and ocean waves).  Maybe I have itched, deep down, for much of my life for an adventure, or to experience a different culture.  Maybe this is the first time in my entire life I have had the nerve to live more than 30 miles from my home town, where I was born.  Maybe it took calamity and fear of staying the same to push me into a new direction.

lonesome hammock

But I am not really hurting anyone (I hope!!)  I am funding it myself, with the stuff I sold.  I had hoped renting out my house would pay the mortgage; so that would be a wash.  (It hasn't exactly worked out that way, but it is being remedied.)  

I got to spend four magnificent, joyful weeks with my son.  I wish wish wish he were still here with me. It's not nearly as fun without him.  I am so lucky he has such a great dad and grandparents who love him as much as I do.  I know he is in good hands, and I hope he never feels like I abandoned him or shipped him off so I could play. (If I had it my way, he would still be here with me!)

Next time I come here, I will plan better, when he's not in the middle of the school year, so we could stay longer and play together.  I'll somehow plan it around me working full time, or him in college, or him working full time with a family, tied down.  By the time I retire and have the opportunity to come back, he may be too busy or not want to spend that many weeks with his silly goofy mom.  So what a brilliant opportunity that we took advantage of now!

I have still enjoyed being here, but it's more still, reflective, without him.  I am taking more time to think and heal.  I am independent, single, but safe; my travel companion looks out for me but gives me lots of space.  I am sure that I am growing and good will come of all this.  

no tv for me

No tv.  I don't watch it.  Ever.  People look at me like an alien axe-wielding two-headed zombie when I say that.  They stammer, "bu... but..."  No.  I don't watch the news, or sitcoms.  No game shows, soap operas, reality shows.  I have never seen Survivor, American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, CSI, or any other new shows I haven't even heard of yet.  

I don't know who the actors are, or who is in which show.  I don't have time to sit and watch fake shows acted out by fake people, controlled by the media, overflowing with commercials, telling me about the products I simply must buy.  Because, well, I'm too busy living.  I read, draw, listen to music, play with kiddo, garden, email friends, make things, cook, work, do projects...  How do people find time to sit anyway?  (please don't try and tell me the news is true either.  I have personal proof they change things to suit themselves- it happened to my son's dad, and he is a good guy.  They made him look like an ass, and people believed it, because it was on tv.  I also know that all the media sources are owned by about 4 different ridiculously rich people, nationally, who run the whole thing.  How can that be objective reporting?)

It took us years to remember not to call my dad on Thursdays after 7pm--  Survivor!!  Then it moved to Wednesdays I think.  Boy I've made him really mad a few times by calling during a favorite tv program.  oh, and I need to remember not to call any night actually, because a movie might be on.  But don't call at the end of the movie, because then the nightly news in on.  Or before the movie, because the early news is on.  I also need to know when there is a game, or a car race, or if they have rented a movie.  Or if they are napping.  I can't call during commercials either, because he loves those as much as the tv program.  But why oh why don't I call more often and keep in touch? 

What's sad is he thinks he is really living.  And most people do.

chemicals and food

I am thinking about chemicals today.  There are no chemtrails in some places.  You know, the white trails of chemicals that planes leave in the sky.  Most of it is not water vapor.  It's chemicals.  Why would they put chemicals in the air?  What chemicals are they using?   Why aren't people outraged?  (I am currently doing research on chemtrails.  So far I have found that the government is very secretive about them, but they contain aluminum oxide and barium.   I have discovered that chemtrails alter the weather, and leave poisons that slowly kill off certain life forms, maybe including humans. 

Chemicals in our water, soil, plants, animals, the food they eat.  Oh and the air.  How the f*** are we supposed to live?  I don't know anybody else who reads labels like I do (yaay allergies). But if it has chemicals listed in the ingredients, I can't have it.  And that's just the items that are labeled in the store. How about before these items get to the store?  What's in the water, soil, and the foods our animals eat, and what is sprayed on our fresh foods?  What about genetically modified foods?  Chickens, cows, turkeys, pigs, eggs, fish, and whatever they eat are not labeled.  Are there chemicals in those?  

Here is the list of chemicals that I know I am allergic to:

msg, monosodium glutamate, glutamic acid, monopotassium glutamate, disodium guanylate, disodium inosinate, yeast exract, hydrolyzed anything, protein fortefide, soy protein isolate, why protein, caseinate, malt extract, aspartame, sucralose, any colors or dyes, nitrates, nitrites, smoke falvoring, "natural" flavorings, season all, bouillon, sulfates, sulfites, "enhanced" flavors, umami, ajinomoto, "accent", and in Spanish, glutamato monosodico.  

That's over 25 different chemicals, not including specific
dyes and colors.  Can you imagine looking for foods that don't have even 1 of those 25?

On top of that, I refuse to eat "high fructose corn syrup" too.  (you should research that puppy, it's very harmful stuff!)  So that rules out everything sweet, salty, meaty, savory, boxed, canned, bottled, or served in a restaurant. And doesn't even go into researching where something is made,

No wonder people are so overweight!  They are being chemically altered to be addicted to more chemicals in foods.  Our bodies are not designed to break down chemicals.

p.s.  msg is a poison.  it's an "exito-toxin" that kills braincells, like huffing.  That zippy, zingy flavor you taste when eating msg is actually a few brain cells being killed.  msg is what they use to kill dogs in other countries.  Not us, though, because that's cruel.  We put it in Cheetos, ranch dressing, cream soups, gravy, Kentucky Fried Chicken, most buffet foods, and most boxed foods.  

War on drugs?  Yes please.  How about Monsantos??

wish it now!!

If you have ever wanted a better world, wish for it now.  If you ever dreamed of a better place, more tolerant, fair, kind, joyful, compassionate, enough money, doing what you love for a living, time for fun and playing, healthcare... everything beautiful that you wish for... wish it now!!

Picture it.  Envision laughing, no fear, being safe, needs met, love, being understood.  Picture fairness for everyone you know.  Picture joy for all humanity.  Picture people in power turning away from corruption and greed, and embracing what's right for humankind.  Picture world leaders wanting peace.  Picture them smiling, drinking tea, laughing, talking about their families and loved ones, sharing childhood memories, changing the world for the better because we are all the same.  Picture them hugging and embracing each other as warriors of peace, change for the good of all humanity. 

When everybody wins, everybody wins.  And that is beautiful.  And divine.