men my gramma didn't warn me about

I just went for a walk.  I know it’s dark out.  I needed fresh air. So I tucked my keys in my fist... (all females are nodding right now, they know this maneuver) and walked anyway.  My gramma taught me that.  She told me to be alert, look around, check the backseat of my car before I get in it, keep my car doors locked when I was in the car... She told me not to accept drinks from strangers, or to ever leave my drink unattended.  (Thus I have never allowed someone to buy me a drink) 

She warned me about strangers, that men are dangerous, and that only bad girls get raped (and unspoken implication- molested)    She taught me this when Boise was still a safe small rural town, when the mall was a cow field, when we had just a handful of stoplights. 

It made me kind of paranoid honestly, always wondering what predators could be lurking in the dark hall in the mall at night, or walking across campus, or getting the mail after dark, or carrying groceries at night. 

Know what she didn’t warn me about?  The men who aren’t strangers.  She didn’t warn me about drunk step dads.  Or the boy in college who would trick me, lure me down the hall to show me something, push me into a dark room and force me up against a wall, groping and kissing me.  Or bosses who would give more sales to the girls who showed cleavage.  Or give raises to girls that would make out or sleep with them.  She didn’t warn me about how to navigate an abusive partner.  I don’t often sleep with keys in my fist...  Never even considered that.

It could have been much much worse than it was.  I never told her anything.  Even though I trusted her, and as a woman, she might have understood.  I didn’t want her to think I was a bad girl, or that I hadn’t been alert enough, or that I was naive and gullible. 

I don’t own a tv, but I know enough of what’s going on in the world.  This isn’t just about men harming women, and women being afraid to speak, then getting judged when the speak.  The whole paradigm needs to shift.  Men AND women need to feel safe from attack.  Men AND women need to feel safe speaking out if they are violated. 

I’m sad all this is stirred up, not just for me, but for many.  The old ways need to be done.  I’m grateful people are talking, getting fired up, having conversations.  This is how we will speak our truth, hear each other, and figure out better ways to be humans.