i hope it's all enough

Many people are going through big emotional changes, finding awareness, humanity, their voices.  But everyone is at a different place on the path.  Normally I would strive to embrace all the different perspectives and paths, but I am feeling urgent.  And impatient for those who are petty, or shallow, or still so asleep.  I am frustrated and intolerant of those who are selfish or greedy or unkind.  I hope it's all enough- every single one of us on our own journeys and paths, to together work for what is right.

gah!! my head hurts!!

Gah!  My head hurts.  Maybe because I've been so overtired I slept half the day.  Too bad too, because today was the first sunny day in ages.  There is hope for spring.  Stoopid winter :p

Maybe my head hurts because my dad keeps feeding S McDonalds, despite our repulsion of McDonalds.  I don't know what kind of light bulbs to buy (incandescent wastes energy, fluorescent has mercury and put out emfs)  Microwaves chemically alter the cells in your food.  Yikes!  Brita and Pur do not filter out flouride.  What music is ok to listen to?

If we refuse to watch tv (we refuse) and instead read books, does it matter what books we read?  (duh, of course it does!)  How much reading is healthy?  How much escaping reality is good, or is it a different mind control?  Or worse- mind numbing?

I don't want my son in public schools.  He is an amazing, brilliant, aware soul.  I don't want him held back by the "no child left behind" standards, or numbed and soul-squelched.  I do want him to socialize and know how to participate in the real world, but I don't want it to control or stifle him.  Heck, most of the time, I don't even want to participate in the real world either...

Speaking of emfs- lightbulbs... guess what else puts out those frequencies?  Doorbells, smoke detectors, smart meters eek!  Then there are tracking devices in cell phones, computers, electronics.  I just heard that tvs can monitor who is in the room and adjust ads accordingly (dog barking= dog food commercials).  And something about x boxes monitoring too  eek!!  drones?  eek!!!

At what level do I lose my mind from paranoia?  There are chemicals in the food and water, genetically modified foods being chemically altered in microwaves, being served in houses being bombarded by emfs, and more chemicals (carpet paint stain resistant fabrics febreeze plastic?  plastic- that's another blog)
and electronics (phones laptops ipads nooks dvrs cable tv) being tracked and monitored so our ads and brainwashing can be personalized and supersized oh my!  Why do I feel like the unfortunate exhibit in a bad science experiment?

Ha ha- know what started this entry?  Wondering whether or not I should take vitamins.  Really.

Weird- everybody knows chemicals are bad for us, McDonalds is unhealthy, commercials and media and tv are deliberately trying to manipulate us, so many poisons and toxins and controls...

What I don't understand is how everybody knows this, but don't seem to be upset.  They frown and wrinkle their brows at me and ask why I am upset.  They say, "calm down.  meh."

Why isn't everybody screaming?  We SHOULD be infuriated, dammit!  We should feel violated, raped even, what they are doing to us and our children.  We should demand freedom, healthy, organic, genuine reality, real living.  Why am I the weird one for believing not only that it's possible and achievable, but that it would be worth it?

today i learned...

This will be an ongoing post, with updates randomly.  Check back from time to time to see more about my adventures.

Today I learned:
* if you put $20 bill in the change machine at the laundromat, it sounds like you won the jackpot
* there is no way to make it feel exotic and fun to pay to do laundry at the laundromat
* I bought myself flowers today.  The wrapper reads, "market bunch daisies. non-edible."
* mascara is truly dry only after you sneeze (if you don't understand, ask a female)
* a sign at the post office reads, "no dogs allowed, except seeing eye dogs."  Who is this sign supposed to benefit?  The dog or the blind person?  Neither can read.

are you an Earth Angel?

 

I want to read this book!  I don't even know if it's a book yet.  But I just read the following information posted from a Light Worker (I aspire to be one) and I want to know more right now!!  Maybe the local library has this :)

Virtue, Doreen; Assertiveness for Earth Angels: How to Be Loving Instead of "Too Nice"

"Earth Angel is a term I use to describe people who:"

1. Are highly sensitive.
2. Have an innocence in their outlook on love and life, which others        may call naïve.
3. Believe in God’s loving power (but aren’t necessarily religious).
4. Are gentle and caring.
5. See the best in others, including their hidden potentials.
6. Are trusting and optimistic.
7. Have been taken advantage of by those who use the Earth                    Angels’ niceness for their own gain.
8. Have had painful relationship experiences, but still believe in              true love and friendship.
9. Cherish the magical parts of spirituality, such as manifestation,          unicorns, fairies, mermaids, and the like.
10. Feel called on a mission, with a sense of duty and stewardship         toward others, including strangers.
11. Want everyone to be happy.
12. Are unhappy when others are upset.
13. Believe in fairness.

Um, yes to all of the above.

I need more flouride please

Ok, that title is sarcasm.  Just in case it's a little confusing.

Reading labels infuriates me. The crap that companies have the gall to label shocks me.  Who knows what isn't labeled either?  Many people on the board of directors at Monsantos are also on the board of the FDA.  Truth in advertizing?  Truth in labeling?  Really??

I hate wondering if this apple is really healthier than this McCheezburger (or worse way to ask, which is less poisonous?)  One or both have pesticides, growth hormones, chemicals, grown in polluted water... One is served with processed white bread substance made with high fructose corn syrup,  added ketchup with more high fructose corn syrup. (relish has high fructose corn syrup too)

I started avoiding high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) because it really makes my stomach hurt- for days.  Later I researched and found out that it is a chemical.  Studies show it is more addictive than cocaine (which used to be in Coca Cola-  now there is high fructose corn syrup)  It also leads to obesity and diabetes, heart disease, liver damage, and mercury poisoning.  And apparently a stomach ache.

I truly don't know what to eat.  My son and I are on food stamps, so can't be too finicky on this budget.  Why do we have to pay extra for non-chemical, non-poisoned foods?  Why is organic and natural pricier, when in other countries, it's the norm?  Why is high fructose corn syrup in ketchup, jelly, pancake syrup, relish, bread, canned fruits, yogurt..... and we have to pay extra to get foods without it?

Because they don't want us healthy.  They want us fat and docile, super-sized and ignorant.  

Yesterday I laid my head on the counter and cried.  How do I know what is best for me and my son?  What foods will nourish him?  How do I explain these things without scaring the hell out of him or crushing his spirit?  (what if I am really crazy, and someday I end up in a remote cabin with a bunch of cats, yelling at trees about our corrupt world?)

I am more sensitive, more aware lately.  Maybe it's because I had the opportunity to leave the country for a while and experience something simpler and more natural.  Maybe I have started to question and am learning too much about the state of the world.  Maybe I don't have enough flouride in me these days to sedate me and make me passive.  (flouride is a sedative that is more toxic than lead.  Flouride is one of the main ingredients in pesticides, teflon, and soy infant formula; it is commonly added to city water, toothpaste, and most non-organic produce.  Flouride has been linked to lower IQs, infertility, autism, cancer, and hardening of the arteries.  It also numbs the hippocampus part of the brain, the third eye, the intuitive balanced connected part of the brain.    Coincidence?)

Baaaaah. (sheep noise here.)

Why aren't people outraged?  We are being poisoned!!  Slowly methodically poisoned!

Oh, that's right, even if people knew this, they wouldn't care because they are too sedated.  Wow.

friends

Recently I have been feeling so thankful and blessed with the people in my life.  It feels like I am meeting more and more beautiful people; especially women.  I used to be intimidated by new clients (queasy nervous sweaty palms nauseous even!)  I suppose it's really just my improved attitude that has changed, or I am drawing more love into my world because I am putting out more love...  But I have met some of the most beautiful, tender, strong, amazing ladies lately.  I am honored they trust me, confide in me, share time with me, make space in their tight budgets to come see me... wow!

Today it occurred to me that the beauty of new friends is that they truly see you for who you are now, not who you were when you were 9 or 19 or even 39 (you know, hypothetically... wink wink)

I've learned that sometimes long term friends or family have a hard time growing with you.  Either they can't be objective, or it scares them to see you changing. I don't know why.  But I am beginning to like who I am, how I feel. I like being genuinely me and not trying to smash and stretch myself to fit into other people's expectations.  (of course I always knew this theoretically, but it feels good to know and believe it and live it).

Maybe before~ I was afraid to grow.  Or afraid that deep down I wasn't good enough and people would discover that I was a terrible fraud. Or that I was someone dark and ugly, pretending to be good.  But now I am just trying to grin, shrug my shoulders, and be real. No pretense, no trying to fit other people's judgments, no apologies for being beautifully human and imperfect.  I have no idea how it's working in the big picture, but I sure am a lot happier.

this duality is difficult

I am having a hard time playing.  and being joyful and light.   Daily life- whew!!

"Responsibilities no longer seem relevant but are still necessary."  So true.

This daily existence feels heavy, exhausting, tedious.  I feel impatient and irritable with people, especially when they don't respect my time.  (I don't even want to be here, don't waste my time!)

Not my ego I hope, I'm not trying to judge.  I am different, and they don't even begin to get it.  It's exasperating to be around people.

I didn't have a NDE (near death experience) to begin my spiritual emergency.  I have never fit in, have always felt like an outsider.  Animals and babies love me, people are drawn to me because I am gentle and nurturing, but then the people trample me.  I can touch plants and they grow.  I want to become a healer, a lover, a musician, an artist, a writer, a dancer, an angel, a star seed.  For now I am feeling anti-social, cranky, and lonely.  

I've always known something was different, longed for more meaning, truth, love, connection--- like elves and trees, fairies, butterflies, all living in harmony and communicating with their hearts, part of a beautiful bigger heartbeat of the universe.

I don't know how to get there, but I'm on my way.

The dual-ness is difficult.  Daily tasks while I'm thinking about the big picture of the universe and infinity, all is love, everything is as it should be... Weeding when I want to be growing strawberries, working when I want to be swimming, working too many hours to barely get by and not enough time to grow my food... living in the city when I want to live in the forests, near a beach and warm ocean, barefoot, lots of stars.  Focusing on the present, I don't yet like the present.  

I like what will be.  I need to be joyful in the present, even though the present currently feels shallow and mundane.  Be in the present, and think about growing.