On another note. I'm getting a lot of shit from people, telling me I am a bad mom, for letting S go back without me, and for bringing him with me in the first place, and for staying here without him. (apparently every option makes me a bad mom).
But surprisingly, nobody has asked what's going on, what led up to this, what we are going through. No questions, just judgment. Every decision I make is with him in mind, and is made WITH him (even though I am the mom, I deeply love him, care about his thoughts, and we discuss everything).
Stealing him forever, keeping him away from other people who love him would make me a bad mom. We just wanted a few weeks. But the more people judged and told me what I "should" be doing... the more I wanted to stay. These aren't people who love us. Leaving without telling him anything, would make me a bad mom. Staying and being too scared to to take an opportunity to try something wonderful and new, that would make me a bad mom.
Maybe I can have a meltdown here and not worry he will see it, since I have tried to be strong for him. For now I can heal and recover for a bit, not let him see me be in pain, scared, small and confused (that's how I feel today).
Maybe he will respect that I didn't lay down and die, everything that has happened, but chose something different. Or maybe he'll think I chickened out when things got rough and I wanted to run away. But we did it together, and had the best trip ever!!
Hopefully he has listened to my heart, as I have listened to his. And in the end, he knows I love him more than life itself. That's what really matters.
And when it was time for him to go back home, I was packing also. He put his hand on mine, looked at me for a long time and said, "Mom. Not yet. Don't come back yet. I'm not ready to watch you die. You need a little more time before you go back". And we laid together and cried, at this world that doesn't seem fair. Maybe he's the only one who really knows me... And that's enough for me.
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