autumn sad

Today is equinox.  It's supposed to be a time of balance, harmony, reaping the benefits of all our hard work.  I spent some time considering what to send out to the universe and what to be grateful for.  I want to wish for abundance, even if it feels greedy to say that.  Abundance for all the ways I share and help others.  Abundance would allow me to do even more, and the peace of mind not to be as stressed and tired.

Fall is sad to me.  Autumn.  Every year it feels like the end, as though everything is dying.  Nothing truly dies of course, I know this

at some level.  Everything slows down, even energy seems to vibrate slower, hibernating.

I don't know which is more lonesome for me, being around people, or being alone. I want to go home, and I don't know where home is.  A before this life home?  Someplace (or every place) that feels deep, rich on many levels, not empty or shallow and heavy like earth.

I am trying to remember to ground, plug in...the days go so fast, so much to do, I don't have time to reflect and write, garden, walk, sing... 

This is not the life I want.  I want more love, light, air, earth, stars, time, floating and swinging in the hammock, swimming, sunning, more time to find joy.

I feel far away from Source, from the universe, from connected, divine, truth.  I miss the warmness of awareness, the light floating of all space, being inside out and outside in, all is one, near is far and far is near, all at once.  That place where everything makes sense in truth.

I really am trying to be grateful here in this time, in this life... but it feels oh so empty comparitively.  How do I connect and bring it inside me?  Remember the all and light without feeling homesick?

it's all in my hands

Many synchronicities.  This is fun :)

S brought home a palm reading book.  He was looking for books on magic and the librarian referred him to the section of the library that has palm reading books.  We poured through the book in depth, read each others lines, studied the charts.

I met someone I already know recently, we can't figure out how we know each other.  Turns out she is a palm reader, and a Medicine Woman.  I am fascinated.

She read my palms today.  She confirmed all the lines S and I found, and more.  She says I am a healer, intuitive, psychic, old soul, resourceful, wise, artistic, gentle, empath, incredibly strong, tough childhood, survivor, I have guides and guardian angels, I'm pretty much good at anything I want to be, I am passionate, love deeply, have markings of an orphan (no connection at all to my birth family), am a Divine Goddess and spiritual seeker.  Hmm.  That's a lot.  

I liked her touching my hands. 

orphan and child of the universe

I used to feel like I didn't fit it. 
I have always felt like an outsider.
Like I don't belong.
Last night I realized I belong everywhere,
especially outside, in nature.
My home is under the stars.
An orphan and a child of the universe.

"As above, so below
and without, and within
I am, I am, I am
we are, we are, we are
one, one, one."

"Thank you for returning to me
that which is rightfully mine.
I am eternally grateful."

We were on the way to Whale Medicine Wheel.
Leaving the wheel, going back to the main road, we arrived in just a few minutes,
less than half the time it took us to go the other direction.
We stopped the car, looked around, confused, and both acknowledged we didn't know how that happened. It felt like time travel. 

Just when you need a sign from the universe that there is something bigger and more magnificent going on, there is a sign.

toxic baggage stew in my belly

Dear Universe-
I have baggage in my belly,
holding in everything negative.
Emotions, memories, fears, pain,
all this stew to protect my fragile little child self inside.
It feels like pollution to let it out,
so I have always stuffed it in.
It's stew really,
made from toxic bits others have given me.
Guilt, shame, violence, fears, pain bodies.
None of it serves me.
I don't want to trudge it around anymore.
How can I release it?
Please show me how to let it go without guilt
for not holding it in.
"I am responsible for the energy I release in the world."
Dear Mother Earth and Angels,
please help me release everything that doesn't serve me
and holds me back and causes me pain...
everything negative in my belly, my pain body, my memories...
help me let it all go.
Help me turn it into something beautiful and healing and loving
as it floats away.

who can take as much as i give...

This song sums up how I feel about a love partner.

"I want someone who can take as much as I give; 

and give back as much as I need, and still have the will to live."

~Indigo Girls

I do want someone who honors me, treats me as well as I treat them, who gives as much as I do, even if in different ways, who makes me feel special and important in their world.  Love fiercely, stand up for each other, bring out the best in each other and also let each other be free to be their own person.

I give people too much benefit of the doubt.  I don't want to take more than I give, but I often end up giving until I am depleted, for very little in return.  I deserve to be treated well.

I like the quote "someone will hold me so tight that all of my broken pieces will stick back together" and I also want them to let me be free to blossom.

It's possible.

spiritual emergency

notes from the book 

"Spiritual Emergency:  When Personal Transformation Becomes a Crisis" 

by Stanislaw Grof

The Kundalini creates the universe out of her own being, and it is she herself who becomes this universe.  She becomes all the elements of the universe and enters into all the different forms that are around us.  She becomes the sun, the moon, the stars, and fire, to illuminate the cosmos which she creates.  ~Swami Muktananda  "Kundalini:  The Secret of Life"

The pain resulted not from the process itself, but from her resistance to it.  Disturbances seen are not pathological, but rather therapeutic.

Those who behave well and keep silent may avoid being called insane, schizophrenic, hospitalized, sedated.  But their isolation may cause much suffering.  Though confused, fearful, and disoriented, are already undergoing a therapy from within, far superior to any else.

Sometimes the process initiated by spiritual emergency simply enhances the quality of existence by healing various emotional, psychological, and physical problems, or by leading to a better self acceptance.  Because of these changes, the capacity to enjoy daily life increases considerably.

i should come out and play

Trying to remember everything I want to remember from reiki today, now that I'm home.  2 hours of everything I want to learn.  If I only remember one thing, it's divine love, trust the process.  I already know what I need to know.

And my meaning of life needs to be... I am yummy.  safe.  divine. loved.  love.  joy.  alive. that's all that matters.  The head stuff is just filler, white noise, distraction.



Play now.  swing.  laugh.  barefoot.  silly happy.   love first.  think later.  open the windows.  sing.     Really.

Let the walls down, swing open the gates, accept love.  accept life.  no need for walls now, I am safe. I am home now.  Let in the breeze, moonlight, stardust, butterflies, flower petals, love, let it flitter and float in, heal me.  I am airy, light, fluid, dew drops, morning sun, fairy wings, snot bubbles and all.


Epiphany--  if I come undone while the doors are open, I should come out and play.