everything matters and nothing matters

Everything matters.  And nothing matters.

All is important.  Nothing is important.

Duality.

Everything is true and nothing is true.

Time is limited.  And life is unlimited.

Life never ends and time is infinite.

Time doesn't even exist.

"The unknown becomes the known at a given time. The unknowable, on the other hand, is the indescribable, the unthinkable, the unrealizable.  It is something that will never be known to us, and yet there it is, dazzling and at the same time horrifying in its vastness... it is the warriors task to reach into the domain of mystery, to extend his hand without knowing ahead of time what there is to grasp..."  ~Don Juan

Each moment is all that matters, all you really have.  The real meaning of life is in those moments, being fully present and aware of them.  But... cosmically speaking, the moments are mere blips.  And nothing matters in the end.  How can you believe both?  It all means so much, every choice, every food we eat, every word we say, every moment we spend. But... I can only do so much and still actually function and live.  

i've been chosen for reiki mastery

My Reiki mentor tells me to "be the smile".  That's it.  That's the whole point, nothing more deep or complicated than that.  I think I can be that.

He also said he chose me for Reiki Mastery training because what I see as weakness in myself are really strengths- my raw pure vulnerability and naive genuine compassion, humbleness, an innocence that I brought with me from before earth, that remain uncorrupted... Despite all the horrors and abuse I have witnessed and experienced, all the trauma and violence, I still have a pure heart.  Perfect for being and becoming a healer.  He assured me that vulnerability is a strength, it takes strength to keep walls down and be real, genuine. Oh, and I'm insatiably curious and love to learn.

And he reminded me we can't really hurt anybody with our truth.   Why do we suffer and create conflict over communicating our truth?

lessons and inner conflict of speaking my truth

Lessons.  So many lessons.  I am trying to be thankful for the opportunities to learn and grow, and see it that way (instead of challenges).

Lessons in forgiveness. Lots of synchronicities telling me to forgive, especially myself.  What does this mean?  I don't know that I have ever intentionally hurt somebody, I try to do my best.  Maybe forgive myself for hiding things people judged and not letting myself blossom?  Maybe for judging myself in the shallow earthly way that I don't even agree with?  (get a better job, have a title, buy popular things).  Maybe for trying so long to please others that I don't even know myself?  Forgive myself for bringing out the best and believing in others, but not doing that for myself?  I don't have the answer to this lesson yet.

Also lessons in speaking my truth.  I feel what others feel.  If I hurt somebody, I feel their pain.  Standing up for myself is a complicated balance between emotions, intuition, compassion, intellect, empathy.  The biggest conflict is my inner conflict; debating if I should say something, and how to say it clearly and concisely, matter of factly, without dram or emotion, so both people understand the rules and boundaries.  I have a long way to go in this area.

it takes guts to turn off your tv and live for real

First time I admitted out loud that I am proud to be clueless and uninformed.  I don't want to be ruled by fear.  I must protect my heart and keep it alive, full of hope.  Media feeds us lies of fear, separation, disconnection, hopelessness.  It keeps us isolated, complacent, and like strangers.  

I need us to be alive, connected, family, brothers and sisters, breathing the same air of the heartbeat of the planet.

Maybe it's naive, or weak to stay out of media and news and politics and world news.

I think it's weak to unlive, complacently, shallow, superficial "living".  It takes guts to risk being authentic and real, connecting with other people, turn off the tv, experience life for real, thinking your own thoughts, traveling your own journeys and adventures (with your own feet, not watching from a sofa), to take off your shoes and feel the earth.  

Yes this is raw and real.

prayer for hope

I don't understand what any of this means.  I don't understand the connection between good and bad, between mean people and good people.  I guess I am meant to be here because I'm here.  But it's painful.  All of it.  So terribly painful.

I only know enough to know there's meaning, but none of it makes sense.  

Please keep me safe, and my son too.  Please keep us both safe.  Please don't let anyone without unconditional love into our hearts.  Please guide us to good people, to healthy people, so we don't get lost or trampled.  Please give me wisdom to know which battles to fight and which to let go.  Please keep our hearts pure and not hateful.  Please give me strength to keep going.  Please give me hope that it's worth it.

how do i know what's good for me?

So the question of the day...

I am certain the universe will provide for me everything I need and probably desire.  I am also certain that I can manifest pretty well, almost at magic levels.  But I have to be careful, because I can manifest things that aren't in my best interest.  

How do I know what is in my best interest?  How do I know what is best for me?  How do I know what is best in the long term, for my higher good?  How do I know what is selfish and seems needy, that it isn't deeper than that?  What feels like deep love isn't just... being needy?  If I knew the rules or what was best...  and nobody can know.  And waiting and wishing is terribly difficult.  

I don't want to force the wrong things, just because they feel right.  I can't see into the future, or the big picture of before I got here and after I go.  I hardly understand my own thoughts, feelings, and needs.  I will try to listen and be patient.  

Universe, please guide me to listen and be soft.  To learn the lessons I need to, to become who I am meant to become, to remember all I need to know, and be love.  

autumn sad

Today is equinox.  It's supposed to be a time of balance, harmony, reaping the benefits of all our hard work.  I spent some time considering what to send out to the universe and what to be grateful for.  I want to wish for abundance, even if it feels greedy to say that.  Abundance for all the ways I share and help others.  Abundance would allow me to do even more, and the peace of mind not to be as stressed and tired.

Fall is sad to me.  Autumn.  Every year it feels like the end, as though everything is dying.  Nothing truly dies of course, I know this

at some level.  Everything slows down, even energy seems to vibrate slower, hibernating.

I don't know which is more lonesome for me, being around people, or being alone. I want to go home, and I don't know where home is.  A before this life home?  Someplace (or every place) that feels deep, rich on many levels, not empty or shallow and heavy like earth.

I am trying to remember to ground, plug in...the days go so fast, so much to do, I don't have time to reflect and write, garden, walk, sing... 

This is not the life I want.  I want more love, light, air, earth, stars, time, floating and swinging in the hammock, swimming, sunning, more time to find joy.

I feel far away from Source, from the universe, from connected, divine, truth.  I miss the warmness of awareness, the light floating of all space, being inside out and outside in, all is one, near is far and far is near, all at once.  That place where everything makes sense in truth.

I really am trying to be grateful here in this time, in this life... but it feels oh so empty comparitively.  How do I connect and bring it inside me?  Remember the all and light without feeling homesick?