sucker punched

What am I supposed to be learning from so much pain and struggles?!

How can all these painful lessons be good for me?  How can I come through this stronger when I don't even get a chance to stand up or catch my breathe between challenges, before I am knocked back down again, punched??

Universe, if you have a plan for me, must it be so painful that I lose all faith in humans?  In humanity?  That I doubt all that is good?  That I am afraid to trust anybody?  That I fear I am bad for my son? 

He is watching and learning everything I am.  How can I give him hope when I don't have any?  How can I reassure him life is worth it when I myself don't believe it?  

I give up.  I surrender.  God Source and universe, show me what to do.  I am scared.  If this is how the rest of my life is going to be, I am done.  Please don't torture me with painful lessons and make my son watch.

enigma of enlightenment

I'm slowly changing my thought patterns.  It's hard to see progress in myself, day after day.  The enigma of enlightenment is seeing how much you really don't know. Even though at some deep level- you know.

I'm alternating between full and filled with wonder, and on empty because I sense urgency and I am pushing so hard to expand and learn... on every level... Pushing, yawning, stretching, the urgency is intense, a burning. Pushing to become a warrior (a peaceful warrior) but I have a long way to go yet.

I'm struggling with wanting to escape the rat race so I can totally focus on learning, but I still have to function in a society where I don't belong. Oh and we like food and having a place to stay, which requires at lease some form of income.

happy birthday son!

Dear Son,
Happy 12th anniversary of your birthday!  12 years and one day ago, I didn't even know if I would like you.  I did not know if you were a boy or a girl.  And then you arrived!  And you were (and are) perfect, my heart is full.

Osho writes, "The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new."

So here we are, on this adventure together.  You make it all worth it for me, to see the wonder in your eyes, to share ideas together, inside jokes, deep thoughts, and cheese.  (ha ha)

You inspire me to be a better person, and I want to make your world a better place.  I love your curiosity, your mind, the way you question things around you.  I enjoy your sense of humor, it reminds me to lighten up.  I admire the way you take things in stride, and don't get bent out of shape.  I love how clever you are, not only with facts and knowledge, but intangibles like intuition, energy, the way of the universe.  I love that you "get me" and I'm thankful you aren't just like me.

You are an amazing human!

soul family

Medicine woman has become a friend, and feels like my soul momma.  Today she wrote me:

"This is how happy feels. This is family." 

Thank you universe for bringing me not just good people, but friends, guides, mentors, who help me blossom and hold me when I struggle, and care to keep me safe. (and even tell me these words!)

Wow this is beautiful.  Family.  The frightened lonely little one inside me has someone to turn to, who is present and cares.  Look at all the lessons I'm learning, and reasons to be grateful.

Dear universe, please guide me to be on the right path, on your path.  If I have ever strayed or become deluded, please show me the way.  Please protect me with your light, your good.  I will try to listen and follow.  I am small, afraid, not brave.  But I trust you will show me the best way and keep me and S safe.

new year

Well I survived this last year.  Barely.  I have gotten to know myself better, that is a mixed bag of blessings.  Not sure yet if the net result is a loss or a gain.  I'm technically alive, possibly thriving (depends on the day.  or hour.  sometimes the minute.)  I have come to know the world a little better too, also a mixed bag.  I learned some awful things about hatred, greed, corruption, evil... but also find reasons for hope, compassion, forgiveness.  

I don't know what I am doing.  I don't understand the game.  Every day is a mixed bag of duality, spiritual growth during human existence.  I have to trust that there is meaning, a plan.  I am part of it, and it is part of me, that the divine will look out for me (because people sure haven't)  Even though I am an infinitesimally small blip in the grand scheme. Maybe because I am on the good side, the side of light, love, grace, and compassion.

This next year I wish... to keep going on, to stand up for me and good people, be real and genuine, no fear (trust I am protected by source divine and the universe), trust that the right answers and the right people will guide me.  I desire abundance, joy, play, material needs, security, love- unconditional love, for everybody.

This year I will take care of my body, feed and nurture it the way I deserve, and take care of my soul- give myself lots of love and time to laugh and play with my son.   I will try to feed my mind with nutritious info, to grow and learn.  I will also take naps and work in the sun (I wish).  I will do my best not to harm others or myself, and be kind, even when others are not.

full moon ancestral healing

Tonight is a full moon.  I will be doing the first of 3 ceremonies to heal my family tree.  In the light of the moon, I'll ask Archangel Muriel, in charge of the Soul Star Chakra, to help clear my ancestral karma.  (Or in my bedroom with the curtain open because it's extremely cold outside.)

Then I will ask 7 generations of my ancestors to look out for me, protect me, and work with my guides for my higher and best good.  I will ask to bring them my love, restore connections, and heal all our ancestral history.

I hope to clear away all past karma, to clear the way for new, good karma.  I desire to bring balance and clear away negative karma from all our past lives, including my own.  I desire to start fresh, to manifest abundance, joy, and bring love to all generations past, in my present, and to my future. And so it is. 

note to my small self

Note from my higher divine self, to my small fragile inner self:

It will be ok.
You are divinely loved and beautiful.
It's ok to feel scared.  You are growing and learning and change is scary.
I will hold you in my arms and keep you safe.
You are meant to be here, you chose to be here, my little angel.
You feel small, but that's because you are confined in this earth body, this heavy dimension.
Open the windows and breathe.
You are thinking too much.  Just rest.
Breathe in light, breathe out fear.  
Heavy air on earth isn't giving you enough light and you are hyper-ventilating.
Breathe in Light.
You are different.  It's ok.
You are a star seed, guided by divine light and deep consciousness.
These are not your parents, they don't understand you....  
You are loveable and that's why you are here.
You are loved, you are love.  You brought it with you. 

Breathe in Light.  Breathe out fear.
Right now, what you simply have to do "is be"
Be one with yourself.
Be one with others.
Stop thinking.
Anchor to Light.
Be at peace.
Take heart, little star seed.
Be guided by inner knowing, and divine light.
You are loved.
Be love.